my hand every step of the way. I’ve just gotta keep showing up. And keep holding faith, which honestly might be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But if Winter can do it, so can I.
“You ready, angel?” Winter’s voice cuts through my thoughts and I turn to face him.
Smiling, I nod. “Yes.”
He returns my smile and holds out his hand. “Let’s do this.”
Winter parks the car and cuts the engine before looking at me, his eyes filled with love as he says, “You good?”
My head is swimming after seeing our doctor. Nothing new was discussed during the appointment; however, Dr McLeod did mention one thing that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
“She said that IVF is only as good as the eggs are,” I say. “What if my eggs are bad?”
“What she said was that age is the biggest factor in the eggs, Birdie. She also said that thirty-four is a lot better than if you were forty. Don’t latch onto only one part of what she says. She was trying to be positive for us.”
“I know, but you asked if I’m good, and I’m just telling you where my head is at right now. I can’t stop thinking about this.”
“What will help take your mind off it?”
This is the thing Winter doesn’t get. Nothing will take my mind off any of this. It’s pretty much what I think about from the minute I wake to the minute I go to sleep at night. Even when I’m trying to focus on work stuff, I struggle to stop thinking about IVF. But I understand that his mind works differently to mine, so I try to let him help me shift my attention whenever he attempts to do that. Today I’m not so sure either of us will succeed in that endeavour.
“I’m going to go into work for a few hours. That’ll help.”
He frowns. “I thought you were taking today off.”
“I was going to. A few hours, though, is probably what I need to centre myself after this morning.”
After thinking about that for a moment, he nods. “Okay, but I don’t want you there for longer than those few hours.”
I lean over and kiss him. “There’s my bossy man.”
“I’m deadly serious, Birdie, and I’ll be calling you to make sure you’re out of there by three.”
He knows me too well. I may have said a few hours, but we both know I’m incapable of only working a few hours.
I grab my handbag and open the car door. “I don’t doubt it.”
He follows me inside the house. When we reach the kitchen, I place my bag on the counter and say, “Do you want some lunch before you head into the clubhouse?”
“No, I’ll grab something later.”
“We’ve got leftovers from dinner. I’ll pack it up for you to take.” IVF is expensive and we’re on a tight budget, so I like to make Winter lunch each day.
“I can do it, angel. You go and—”
“It won’t take me long.”
“Birdie,” he starts, his tone turning forceful. I know where he’s going with this and I don’t want it, so I cut him off again.
“Winter, let me care for you as much as you’re caring for me. Please.”
He stares at me quietly for a beat. Then, nodding, he says, “I’ve gotta make a few calls and then I’ll be leaving.”
I walk to him and slip my arms around his waist. “Thank you.” I know how hard it is for Winter not to assume total command and to accept help, so I know what it means when he relents and lets me care for him.
He cups the back of my head and kisses me. “I’ll be home early tonight.”
That’s his way of saying “clear your schedule for me,” and I love every one of those words. “I’ll be here.”
“Good,” he says before letting me go and exiting the kitchen.
I exhale more of the breath I’m still full of.
You’ve just gotta keep showing up.
You can do this.
I straighten my shoulders.
I can and I will do this.
3
Winter
* * *
“What time do you wanna leave for Ballarat tomorrow?” Ransom asks as I’m leaving to go home to Birdie. It’s been a long afternoon going over the club shit we’re dealing with, and all I wanna do is get home to my woman and shut the world out for the night.
“I’ll be here around eight in the morning. That work for you?” Ransom is a single dad, and I know some mornings aren’t good for early starts