not take any girl to the beach for your first date.”
He frowns. “Why not?”
“Because sand, water, and sun. Sand is messy, water ruins our hair, and sun can turn us into a lobster if we screw up with the sunscreen, which we probably will if we’re drooling over the boy we’re with. The beach is good for other dates, but not that first one. You want to take her somewhere she can feel as pretty as she looks because her hair and face stay exactly the way she spent hours making them look.”
His mouth curls up in amusement. “You should write a manual. The Queen’s Guide To First Dates.”
I finish the last of my chips and push the tray away. “Do you talk to Eloise about this stuff?” I broach the subject gently, not sure how he’ll take it. I expect to be shot down in flames.
Maddox takes a few moments, but he does answer me. “No. She’s not around much for shit like this. And she’d give crappy advice.”
“Why?”
His eyes bore into me, hardening with each passing second. “You hear what Brad said about the nasty shit Eloise does to score?” At my nod, he continues, “She fucks guys so she can get high with them. She’s not really the kind of mother to hand out dating tips.”
My heart hurts for Maddox. Like, physically aches for him. I want to say I’m sorry he got dealt a shitty hand in life, that I’m sorry he doesn’t have a mother to protect him, that I’m sorry he also doesn’t have a father to teach him, but I say none of that, because he’s not looking for any apologies. I actually don’t know what he’s looking for, but I do know what he needs. Maddox needs some unconditional love in his life.
“Okay, well I’m here anytime you have a question. I mean, I don’t have a manual, yet”—I smile—“but I do know some things about girls that might be helpful to you.”
He stands. “I’ve gotta get going so I can start an essay due on Monday. Thanks for today.” I’m not sure what I said to cause him to be so abrupt, but I roll with it. Maybe he really does feel the pressure to get home and work on his essay. Maybe I didn’t say anything that affected him.
I stand, too. “I enjoyed today.”
We drive back to the clubhouse in silence. I can tell Maddox is all talked out, so I don’t hound him with conversation. When we arrive, he thanks me again, and gets straight on the back of Memphis’s bike to go home.
Thorn meets me outside as I watch them leave. “You going home now?”
I look at Thorn. He’s watching me while Winter’s away. We get on well, thankfully. I wouldn’t want to get on Thorn’s bad side; he’s got a dark vibe that is a little scary. “No, I’m going to make you guys some more meals since I know you’re all too busy to cook at the moment. We’ll need to go to the supermarket first.”
He doesn’t smile, but I hear it in his voice when he says, “I got the boys to clean the kitchen in case you decided to cook again.”
“Thank you.” He has no clue what this means to me. And not just because the kitchen is clean.
“It was a fucking mess in there. I’ve told them to pick up after themselves from now on.”
As I drive to the supermarket, I realise how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who see me and care about me. I think I’ve felt so let down from the seven years Winter and I did IVF, that I’ve allowed myself to feel alone in life. I’ve watched pregnant women and mothers with their children go about their lives, and had a sense of isolation. I’m not, and never will be, one of them, and they’re who I desperately wanted to be. I’ve wondered how I fit in anymore. Where I fit in if not in the mothering role I always felt called to.
But maybe this nurturing side of mine wasn’t given to me so I could raise my own children. Maybe it was for other purposes. Maybe I’m meant to care for people who show up needing love and friendship.
Maybe God has a plan for me after all.
35
Winter
* * *
I kick the motel door closed behind me, and collapse onto the bed. Pulling my phone out, I check the time. 11:55 p.m. Probably too late