how to say what I want to say. “This’ll be our first year without Max. How are you feeling about that?”
He lets go of my hand and I see him shut down on me. We talked about Max a lot right after his death, but since then, and especially since my miscarriage, we don’t talk about Max much at all. Winter doesn’t seem to want to. “I haven’t had time to think about it.” His voice is gruff; his words final. It’s his way of letting me know this conversation is finished.
This is one of the reasons why we’ve drifted apart. I try to talk to him about stuff, and he shuts the conversation down. We’ve had screaming fights the few times I’ve tried to push him to talk, so I don’t push him anymore. I can’t take another fight with him. It’s easier to let it go and pretend everything is okay. But soon I’m going to have to chance another fight, because we can’t go on like this. I don’t want a surface relationship with my husband; one where everything seems good on the surface, but deeper it’s a hot fucking mess. I want, need, more. I just hope he has it in him to give more.
We drive the rest of the way in silence. When we arrive, Winter says, “I’ll come in with you, so that Eloise lets you in.”
I grab the books. “Thank you.”
It turns out I don’t need him to help me with Eloise; she’s not here.
“She’s out getting high,” Maddox says when Winter asks where she is.
Winter works his jaw, but doesn’t give his opinion on that. Looking at me, he says, “I’ll be with Memphis. Take your time.”
Maddox looks at me, confused after watching Winter walk down the path to the front gate. “Why are you here?”
I cock my head. “You’re not happy to see me?”
“Not what I said.” Goodness, he sounds like Winter.
“I brought you some books.” Suddenly, I’m all weird about bringing him books, and feel the need to explain, so I vomit my words all over the place when I say, “I thought you were still at the clubhouse. You know, cooped up and bored. So I went to the library and asked the girl to recommend me some books for a guy your age. I thought they might keep you from being so bored. But if this is weird, I’ll just take them back to the library and—”
“Fuck, you talk a lot when you’re nervous.” He takes the books out of my hands and steps back to let me in the house. “Let’s see if this chick at the library knows her shit.”
I stare at him in amazement. I really like how he just says what he’s thinking, and how he reads me so well.
I enter his home and walk down the hallway, unsure of where we’re going.
“Take the first left,” he directs from behind me, and I do as he says, stepping into the lounge room.
Eloise might have enough cash to buy drugs, but she doesn’t have enough to buy new furniture. What they have is old and worn, but at least it’s clean. It’s weird I’m even thinking about this, though. I never pay much attention to people’s furniture or what they choose to spend their money on.
Maddox plops down into one of the armchairs and I take the couch. He flips through the books and when he gets to the third one, his eyes light up. Looking at me, he holds the book up and says, “Fuck, yes. This one’s gold.” He then checks out the last two and announces they’re also good.
I’m on top of the world that he’s happy with the choices. “Let me know when you’re finished them and I’ll get more. Whatever you want, just write the titles down and I’ll see if they have them.”
He pulls out his phone. “What’s your number?”
Oh.
I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought of this. He needs a way to reach me.
I rattle off my number and a second later, a text comes through from him.
* * *
Unknown number: Yo, this is Maddox.
* * *
I smile and send him back a text.
* * *
Me: And this is the queen. Make sure you look after those books.
* * *
He grins. “Pretty sure if I ruin these books, your old man will ruin me.”
I stand to leave. “Well, he would, except I’ll ruin you first.”
As he watches me walk down his front path, he calls out, “You’re okay