The Art of Being Emily - Katie MacAlister Page 0,169
a group of students to two different places. We don’t have to go, but some of things look kind of fun)
14:00 Sports and other activities for people who don’t want to go on the sightseeing tours
20:00 Dinner (AKA eight at night. Yes, eight! These French eat late. No wonder they’re so cool.)
21:00 Evening activities (which includes games, something they call a cine-club [movies], and get this! Disco parties! DISCO!!!)
24:00 Check-in (we have to be back by midnight, which is just a stupid, stupid rule. Who wants to spend their whole vacation in Paris being back by midnight? Even Brother lets me stay out later than midnight.)
So! Let me tell you about Day One: Emily Does Paris. After the French test, everyone was called together in the dining room and Madame introduced the teachers. There are three of them, and for the most part they seem to be OK, but one of them failed the Jack test.
What’s the Jack Test? Well, I’ve decided that since I’m stuck with Jack, and you and Holly and everyone else thinks he’s kind of cool, and it really would be stupid me moping around all the time just because I’m suffering the Curse of Horseface Naylor, I’d just better make the best of it and deal. So I am. In the process of dealing I discovered that Jack makes a great test to see whether or not I’ll like people. Pascal, the first Jack testee in Paris, liked him. So did the S twins (although they didn’t like him during the night). Madame didn’t like him. Snickerer Bee (who came in last night by train) rolled her eyes and said, “Why did you bring that? Are you delusional or something?”
See? Comprehensive scientific testing at its best! Anyhoodles, here for your reading pleasure is the Official Results of the Jack Test.
Test subject: Delphine Fore
Teaches: Advanced French
Description: Mom-ish, but very New Age. Wears an amethyst crystal around her neck, and talks a lot about Feng Shui (whoever that is)
Jack test result: “Isn’t that cute? What a very good way for young people to learn about the responsibilities of parenthood. That romper is tres bon, tres chic!”
Test subject: Mounia Zobel
Teaches: Intermediate French
Description: She’s half-German, and could possibly be a Nazi. All I know is that she doesn’t like me or Jack, and only a Nazi couldn’t like a fake baby dressed in an überly-cute ladybug outfit.
Jack test result: Didn’t say anything, just thinned her lips at Jack and me both. Bet she has a tattoo of I *heart* Hitler on her butt.
Test subject: Olivier Saville
Teaches: Beginning French, so technically I’m in his class, although he only came by the library twice today, so I’m hoping I don’t have to see too much of him. On the bonus side, he is kind of cute in older man sort of way, but on the deficit side, he’s a smoker, which is just gross.
Jack test result: While he was talking to me in the library about what I wanted to do during my solitary confinement, he smiled at Jack and patted him on his head. Then he patted my shoulder like he was being all sympathetic when I told him about how I got stuck with Jack, and when I stood up to go to the magazine rack, his hand slid down my back and onto my butt! Yes! A butt fondle by a cigarette smoking really older man! Is that an ew cubed, or what!?!
Now you know me, I’m not rude or anything, but there’s no way I was going to stand for a butt-fondle. That is harassment pure and simple, and I am not going to be a fondlee for anyone unless I like them enough to fondle them back, and the thought of that—old butt fondle? EW EW EW! So I made sure I stomped on his foot really hard as I walked by.
“Oh. Sorry,” I said, smiling to myself when he did a funny little one-footed hop. “Didn’t see you there. I’ll just use this issue of Paris Vogue as my study text, OK? Oh, gee, is that the time? I have to call my father. He’s a really important...uh...international detective guy in the police who throws pervy pedophiles and guys who hit on girls into jail. He wanted me to call and tell him all about the school here. Yes, sirree, I’ll just go call him now, and then when I’m done I’ll do the vocabulary drill for you, ‘K?”