The Art of Being Emily - Katie MacAlister Page 0,153

She said they weighted the head and made the neck all wobbily just like a real baby’s.

Hs and Ks,

~Em the mom

Subject: Crap

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 6 April 3:26pm

Spoke too soon. He’s crying. It’s really annoying. Gotta go. Can’t type with one hand while holding the bottle in his mouth.

Subject: More crap!

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 6 April 3:47pm

Still crying. Have fed, changed diaper (he just wets, thank god—couldn’t cope with fake poop), patted on back. I’m running out of things to do. Bet I got the defective model.

Horseface is evil.

Subject: Want a baby?

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 6 April 3:54pm

Adoption is clearly my next option if JACK DOESN’T SHUT UP!!!

Subject: Criminy dutch!

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 6 April 8:13pm

OK, I’m convinced. No kids for me, not until I am making oodles of money and can afford a nanny, ‘cause I am clearly not cut out for this mom stuff. Jack cried for a half hour solid! Nothing I would do would shut him up. When I took him to Mom, she just shrugged and said, “Welcome to the world of motherhood.”

This is a parent plot, you know. I was supposed to meet Holly at the library tonight, but couldn’t because I had to take care of Jack (twice since I got home!). She got a boy also (she named hers Iain, which is Ruaraidh’s middle name), but hers only cried once so far. I was talking to her while I was walking around with Jack—I had to keep patting his back, because Chloe T told us that the babies have sensors to know when you touch them, and patting sometimes worked to shut them up—and he was crying so hard I couldn’t even hear her tell me what she decided to wear to Scotland.

This is going to be a long three days.

Oh, hey, I meant to tell you about Aurora! Bess brought her home. She’s a Wiccan (Aurora, not Bess—Bess is too into her radical causes to ever do girly Wiccan stuff like burn incense and meditate and things). Anyway, I wandered into the library and found Bess and Aurora sitting on the floor around a circle made of tulip petals.

“What’s up?” I asked, plopping myself and Jack onto the couch. Mom had found a plastic baby carrier at a thrift shop, and bought it for me to transport Jack, which is really cool, because I don’t think anyone else has one, although Holly said she was going to get one of the baby backpacks for her Iain. “Doing some weirdo radical feminist flower thing?”

“It’s an invocation to the Goddess, you boob. This is my sister Emily,” Bess told her friend. “The one I mentioned. Em, this is Aurora. She’s a Wiccan.”

I made mean eyes at Bess for the boob comment before I realized what she said. I looked at Aurora. “Wiccan? That’s like a really cool witch, right?”

Aurora smiled. She had braces, but even with it, she had a nice smile. “Something like that, yes.”

“Coolio! My room is haunted. Think you can do something about it?”

“Haunted?” she asked, doing an eyebrow wiggle. “Haunted how? Poltergeist? Cold spot? Energy balls?”

“Underwear ghost,” I answered. She just stared at me, so I figured I’d better explain more just in case she thought I was like all insane or something. “It likes to throw my undies all over the room. I’ve tried everything—taping the drawer shut, mouse traps, putting big heavy books on top of the undies—but nothing works. Every couple of days I find my undies all over the room. I think the dresser is haunted by the ghost of an underwear pervert.”

“Oh. I haven’t...” She blinked a couple of times. I didn’t make a big thing out of her not believing me, because, you know, it really is strange. “...I haven’t ever heard of a haunted dresser, but I suppose anything is possible.”

“Do you think you can exorcise it, or whatever you do to an underwear ghost?” I asked. “Can you hold a séance and tell it to stop fondling my bras? ‘Cause it’s getting a bit old having to come in and pick up stuff all the time.”

“You could just use another drawer,” Bess said.

“That is so not the point! I should be able to use all the drawers, not just the bottom three! Besides, there isn’t enough room for everything in just three drawers.”

“If you wouldn’t spend every cent you had on clothes, you’d have plenty of room—” Bess started to say, but you know her, she’s all ‘You should be giving your money to needy