Anything but Minor - Kate Stewart Page 0,14

nuclear war. As it made its way to safety, I realized I had just tanned a cockroach.

Nervous laughter burst out of me as I scanned my walls and went straight for a broom in my hall closet. I made a beeline back to the living room and began to beat the ever loving crap out of every surface of the space. Hours later, with newly striped tan walls, my borrowed couch was torn apart, the room in utter disarray. I realized I was blackened by the tanning spray that I was supposed to have rinsed off and still fully naked. I crouched in my living room, still on the hunt, and felt utterly insane. I must have looked like Leo DiCaprio did when he lost his mind in that movie The Beach.

A knock on the door startled me as I looked at the clock. It was 3:00 A.M. I quickly pulled on my Yoda onesie and raced to the door as I zipped it.

“Hi,” a woman said on the other side of the frame. She looked tired, and I felt her pain. I had only hours until I met Rafe as a black lesbian.

“Can I help you?”

“I live downstairs. I think the question is can I help you?” She grinned in a sleep-filled smile as I realized the noise I must’ve made during my epic battle.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry. I had this gigantic...” I didn’t want to say roach because who in the heck wants to admit they have a disgusting bug in their house? Just as I was about to deny it, I saw one slightly larger bug than the one inside my condo crawl up the wall on the siding behind her and then suddenly take flight.

“Oh my GOD!” I pulled her into the house and shut the door as I looked through the peephole.

“Hey now, what in the world is wrong with you?”

I turned to her with wide eyes. “There’s a gigantic roach outside, and it’s FLYING!”

She burst into laughter as she pushed me gently from the doorway and opened it. “I take it you aren’t from around here?”

“No.” I pushed out a breath. “Please, God, I’ve already dealt with the thought of preparations to build an Arc for the flooding downtown. Don’t tell me this is normal!” She took in my appearance, my onesie, tinted hands and face, and the panic in it as I looked her over. Her blonde hair was piled on her head, and her face was still pretty even void of makeup and lack of sleep. Her silk pajamas were far more sophisticated than mine. If I had to guess, I would say she was probably early thirties, and though it was late, she seemed to have a pleasant disposition that went with her thick southern accent. It was too bad I wanted to shove her out the door to keep the horrid creature that loomed over us at bay.

“Those, my dear neighbor, are Palmetto bugs and very common in these parts. Look forward to skin-eating no-see-ums, mosquitoes, lizards, bullfrogs, snakes, and, of course, alligators.”

“Noseyums?”

“NO-SEE-UMS. Oh, you’ll know,” she said with a wink.

“Of course,” I whispered back in sheer terror.

“You’ll get used to it.”

“Uh huh.”

“Lemon juice if you have any, and a sugar scrub should ease that fake bake up a bit.” I studied my hands in defeat.

“Do you want to take this with you? You know, back downstairs?” I said as I offered my broom to her.

“No thanks,” she muttered before she moved past me with quickness and stomped the kitchen floor. I pushed out an eager thank you as she pulled a paper towel off of my kitchen bar and ended my battle.

“I’m April,” she said as she gripped my door handle, my problem bug murdered in the paper towel she held in her hand. I loved her instantly.

“Alice,” I said with a sigh.

“You’ll get used to it. Welcome to Charleston.”

It was the first time I’d hated the words, but still, I smiled and thanked her again before closing my door. I wasted gallons of water trying to rub the all too obvious spray paint from my skin. I stood in front of the mirror three cold showers later and let a few tears stream down my face. A look at the clock had me utterly defeated—4:00 A.M. I was screwed. I pulled my covers tight around me as I scanned my walls for any lingering friends of the recently departed. But they were still my walls. And the