Anyone But Nick (Anyone But... #3) - Penelope Bloom Page 0,15

front of the little foldout table where high school kids were selling entrance tickets for two dollars apiece. Once we had our tickets, we headed inside the crowded gym.

I should’ve been feeling better, but my run-in with Nick King still had my brain spinning. I had a new job, but it had come with a sloppy side serving of complicated mess.

Kira nudged me. “You coming?”

I smiled and nodded. “Yeah, sorry.”

“Actually,” Iris said, “she probably isn’t doing a whole lot of coming these days. Unless she busted that monster dildo back out again. What did you name it again, the ClamJammer?”

“I thought we agreed not to talk about that anymore. And, no, I called it the UpperCunter,” I said tightly. I discreetly looked around to make sure nobody had overheard.

Iris and Kira both stifled laughter.

“Sometimes,” Iris said wistfully, “I still see it when I close my eyes. Big. Black. Shiny. So imposing. I remember wondering how any woman could possibly fit such a beast ins—”

I pressed my palm to her mouth. My voice was wire tight. “I was going through a lot of stress in college. Okay?”

“I’d be stressed, too, if somebody tried to put that twenty-pound monster up my hoo-ha,” Iris said.

Kira tried to hold back a smile but failed.

“What?” I asked. “You too?”

“I’m sorry,” Kira said. “But I mean, come on. It was under your pillow. Unless you were planning to beat a home invader unconscious with that thing . . .”

“A change of subject would be great,” I said. “Or maybe just two friends who are sympathetic after a breakup instead of teasing me about being single.”

“Since when do you want sympathy?” Iris asked. “I got you a get-well-soon card once, and you lit it on fire because you refused to admit you were sick. Ten minutes later, I was holding your hair back while you blew chunks in the kitchen sink.”

“Wait,” Kira said. “I cooked you dinner that night. You threw up in the sink? Did you even sanitize it?”

“Could we all just agree to stop roasting me when I’m at a bit of a low point already?” I asked. “I thought best friends were supposed to help you out of the crappy parts, not smash your face farther into them.”

Iris held up her fingers and turned them counterclockwise, making a clicking noise with her mouth.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Roasters are off,” she said in a dull tone that meant I was stupid for needing it explained. “Oh, but speaking of monsters. How is the Thug life?”

I rolled my eyes. “Did Cade make you ask me that?”

She grinned. “No comment. But I have to admit the idea of some huge out-of-control dog in your perfect little life is kind of amazing.”

“Who says he’s out of control? I kind of assumed he was well trained.”

Kira’s eyes widened. “Did you put him in a cage or anything before you left?”

“A cage? Where am I supposed to get a cage big enough to hold a dog the size of a small horse?”

“Well,” Kira said cheerily. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

I felt a lump of anxiety the size of a basketball thump into my stomach. I put a lot of work into keeping my house pristine, and now my mind was racing with the possibilities of what Mr. Bone Thug could be doing to it while I was gone. “Maybe I should go back home and check.”

“Nope,” Iris said. “Your perfect little house will be fine. Poop cleans out of carpets, walls, and clothes. Just ask Kira.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Kira asked.

Despite my nerves, I couldn’t help laughing with Iris. “I’m not surprised the violent pooper herself decided to repress the memory.”

Kira folded her arms. “I told you two a million times that it wasn’t me.”

“And that’s exactly what you’d say if it was you,” Iris said. “So forgive us if we’re not entirely convinced. Besides, it’s always the ones you least expect. Like serial killers.”

I wiggled my eyebrows at Iris, just because it was fun to watch Kira get worked up. “You’re right. But maybe Kira is a serial pooper. One bathroom after another. She devastates them and waits for somebody else to take the fall.”

“I’m going to break up with both of you,” Kira said. “I have perfectly normal bowel habits, and I can’t believe you two just made me say that out loud.”

Iris and I laughed. We finally decided to stop picking on Kira once we worked our way deeper into the building