‘Dad and Ginny were…’ I hesitated, the times I’d repeated to Phoebe about having respect for herself, about not having sex with just anyone, about being responsible with contraception, were echoing in my head. ‘Dad and Ginny were in a relationship, before I got together with him.’ I allowed myself that little diversion from the truth. I didn’t think any child would benefit from knowing that their origins were in too many New Year’s Eve cocktails, rather than love, however fleeting.
‘You both went out with Dad?’ She was frowning, hovering between disbelief and disgust.
Mum’s eyebrows were somewhere only her rollers usually reached. I was so thankful that Phoebe had chosen the Mum-friendly euphemism of ‘went out with’ and I didn’t have to have my mother and the word ‘sex’ in the same small space.
I made a noise that could probably pass for a ‘yes’. ‘Not at the same time though, of course.’ I felt myself blush, as though I’d been denying a threesome.
Phoebe seemed stunned rather than the furious I’d expected. She went quiet.
‘Is there anything you’d like to ask me?’ I couldn’t look at Mum.
Phoebe’s voice when it came was small, reticent. ‘Have you always known Victor was Dad’s son?’
‘No! Dad didn’t know either. Ginny was in Canada when Victor was born. She didn’t tell either of us, for whatever reason. We thought his dad was Canadian. We only found out when we went to Cory’s a few weeks ago. We would have told you straight away, but there’s been such a lot of trouble since then. We were just waiting for a calm moment.’ I paused. ‘Unfortunately we haven’t really had one. I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.’
Mum reached for a chocolate biscuit. Her uncharacteristic silence was most unnerving. Then suddenly, as though she’d been sieving for a splinter of good news in the catastrophic mess before her, she clapped her hands. ‘How exciting to have found a brother you didn’t know you had. I used to love Cilla Black on Surprise, Surprise when she used to get families back together. There was one woman who hadn’t seen her son since he was six weeks old…’
Phoebe clearly had no idea who Cilla Black was. And even if she did, Cilla, God rest her soul, had no place in our personal Surprise, Surprise.
‘Mum!’ I was absolutely not in the mood for a long-winded story about someone else’s dysfunctional family dynamics.
‘Sorry, love. I was just saying that Phoebe wouldn’t have to be an only child any more, that she’s got a lovely brother. Might not mean much now, but when you and Patrick – and me – are six foot under, she’ll be thankful. Lucky girl.’
And in that moment, I loved my mum so much. I’d expected her to rant about Ginny, even Patrick, but she’d surprised me. She’d seen the one good thing. And unlike me, she’d spotted it straight away with generosity in her heart.
‘Phoebe?’ I said gently, terrified that she’d storm out before she’d made any kind of attempt to sift through her feelings with me.
She sat picking at her nails, great whorls of dark emotion scudding across her face. Then she burst into tears and clambered onto my lap, sobbing into my shoulder. I held her, just held her, while my mum was all big eyes and ‘It’s a lot to take in…’ For me though, it was like excavating memories, so long buried that I could never have brought them to mind without this sensory prompt. The time when Phoebe looked to me to fix things, instead of assuming I was the enemy. When her body ran to mine, the shelter, the safe haven, instead of being the one who ruined things, who spoilt her fun, who had no idea about anything. And all that love that I’d kept locked up in a vault, protected from her scorn, her sarcasm, and yes, her lies and let-downs, flowed out of me, enveloping her.
She gulped. ‘I’m too big to sit on your knee. Am I hurting you?’
‘Not at all. Quite the opposite.’
She sniffed. ‘Does Dad love Victor more than me?’ A fresh storm of tears ensued.
I pulled her tight. ‘Not at all. Love doesn’t come with a limit, darling. Dad loves Victor, but that doesn’t take anything away from you. He adores you and he’s had all that experience of seeing you grow up. He’s only just getting to know Victor, so maybe it seems as though he’s more interested