the morning so I could snatch some sleep. My mum acted as though I’d won the husband lottery, ‘Surely he doesn’t do it when he has to go to work the next day?’
Most nights he did, though. He was so much better than me at soothing Phoebe – and soothing me when I was ragged with exhaustion. ‘Just get some sleep. You’ll feel so much better.’
And when I listened to my friends talking about how their husbands didn’t even stir when their babies cried, I had the warm feeling of being firmly in a partnership, where it wasn’t about duty or who should be doing what, it was about kindness, wanting the best for each other. Love.
As Patrick hummed on, I felt trickles of sadness, as though all that togetherness, that putting each other first, had faded away, life and its demands beating out of us that urge to consider the other. Now, we were surviving family life rather than creating a cosy cocoon for us all to flourish in.
‘I’d like to spend more time with Cory anyway, even if he isn’t getting married to Lulu,’ I said. ‘I want to go out more, have more fun.’
‘I’m definitely up for that. I didn’t think you were very keen on leaving Phoebe on her own in the house.’
‘I’m not, but we’ve got to start somewhere. Let’s see how she gets on tonight. I’ve got Mum nipping round about seven to cook them dinner.’
‘I’m pretty sure even Phoebe could manage to stick a pizza in the oven.’
‘I know. I just feel better about someone popping in to check up on them.’
Patrick made a face, but I didn’t pick him up on it because I didn’t want him to pull away from me, withdraw into silence.
I said, ‘I probably am too protective and maybe if she felt we trusted her more, she might live up to our high expectations rather than endlessly meeting our low ones.’
Patrick was obviously in a flag of peace mood as well and said, ‘You just want to keep her safe. I understand that.’
And the conversation turned towards the goodwill chunk of the marriage pie chart… where we might go on holiday when Phoebe left home, leading into a gentle tussle over whether my first choice, Venice, would be top of the list – ‘I want to see it before it sinks’ – or his choice, ‘Caribbean. Don’t care where. I just want to be on a beach with a cocktail in my hand. And snorkelling.’
We were still off in fantasy land when we drew up at Cory’s. He buzzed us into the underground car park and we took the lift up to the third floor. As I pressed the button, I was tempted to throw myself on Patrick, be one of those couples that can’t resist a quick fumble in the lift rather than the wife who says, ‘Have you filled up with screenwash?’ Disappointingly, after the endless conflict of the last few months, I didn’t even have the confidence to reach up and peck him on the lips in case he stepped away from me.
Cory was already standing at his door. ‘Come in, come in. What can I get you? Tea, beer, wine?’
I gestured to Patrick. ‘You have a beer if you want. I’ll drive back.’ I turned to Cory. ‘No Lulu?’ I asked.
‘Nah, she’s at her sister’s today.’
My hopes that this was the big announcement faded. Unless Cory wasn’t sure how we’d react and was worried we might not be enthusiastic enough in front of Lulu. I thought I’d been really clear that I liked her.
I sipped my tea, while Patrick and Cory chatted about work and, irritatingly, about whether Cory’s accountant would be able to take a look at Patrick’s books to see if the business could be more tax-efficient. I was on tenterhooks, waiting to find out whether I needed to start planning a hat extravaganza. Something joyous to look forward to.
Eventually Patrick put down his beer and said, ‘So, matey. What’s the summoning us over to you all about? I’m assuming it isn’t just because you’ve missed us? Could it be anything to do with “the next stage of your life”?’ Patrick’s face spread into a huge grin, eyebrows raised in expectation.
Cory shook his head and wriggled back into his chair. He looked uncomfortable and in that moment I realised that this wasn’t going to be good news.
‘Are you ill?’ I asked, my stomach churning. I hadn’t even begun to process what happened