And I Darken (The Conquerors Saga #1) - Kiersten White Page 0,96
was referring to. Killing Halil Pasha, certainly. Lying and deceiving in his position in the capital in an effort to help Mehmed. Even the way he felt about and thought of Mehmed, which did not feel evil, but he suspected it was because no one spoke of it, and Huma acted as though it gave her power over him.
“I think your life has gotten complicated.”
Radu dropped his head, covering his eyes with his hands. “I do not know what to do.”
“I am in charge of many people in my vilayet. Sometimes, a decision I make will impact someone in a negative way. Perhaps one farmer wants more access to water, but giving him that would deny three other families the water they need for their crops. I am denying the first man the opportunity to expand his crops and make more money, but I am saving the other three families from starving. Some years I have had to increase taxes to lay up stores against the winter, which is a burden for my people. But it means we will have enough to sustain us through a bleak period. I have had to take fathers from their families for committing crimes—denying a family of their provider, but keeping the rest of my people safe.” He sighed. “It is never easy. I try to build for the best future I can, where the greatest number of people will be affected in the best ways. Sometimes I have to make hard choices, but I try to do so with a prayer and the welfare of my people always in my heart. I have made mistakes, but I try to use regret as motivation to be more thoughtful, to consider things more carefully, and to be kinder and more generous in all my dealings.”
Radu thanked him, though he was still left in the dark as to his own problems. Should he pursue good for himself, or good for others? What if Halil Pasha thought he was doing good by preventing Mehmed from taking the throne? Mehmed’s idea of the future was in direct opposition of, say, the citizens of Constantinople’s idea of a good future. Whose had more value? Whose was right?
And could he ever be generous enough to wish his sister happiness with the man they both loved?
Radu’s time at Kumal’s home was too short, but after a few blessed days of peaceful respite, he was no closer to solving any of his problems. Edirne beckoned him back.
With a promise to visit soon, he returned to the city to find that Murad, still pleased with his poem, had waxed generous and given Radu command of a small group of frontier Janissaries. Bemused, Radu went to the barracks to meet with his men. He was a good rider, excellent with a bow and arrow, and skilled enough with a sword, but he had never aspired to commanding men. He thought it odd that Murad would think a poem qualified Radu—so young—to lead soldiers.
A familiar figure greeted him.
“Lazar,” Radu said. He still did not know how to feel about the other man, knowing that Lazar knew the deepest secret of his heart.
Lazar saluted Radu with brisk formality, then bowed, popping back up with an infectious grin. “I knew I was right to stay in Edirne. I have requested to be assigned to your frontier group.”
“I have no idea what I am doing,” Radu admitted.
“That is why I am here.” Lazar introduced him to the fifty men at his command, and Radu’s fears about the other man disappeared. Lazar dropped the familiarity he normally held with Radu, speaking in crisp, commanding tones and showing the proper amount of deference when addressing Radu. Radu stood straight, nodding seriously, trying to commit names to memory.
After the tour was done and the men were dispersed, Lazar walked with Radu out into the larger Janissary headquarters on his way back to the palace. “You will do well. I can take care of day-to-day organization and training. These positions are more ceremonial than anything, but you are liked. The men are happy to have you.”
Radu nodded. “I am glad.”
Lazar leaned in closer as they walked. “I am happy to have you, as well.”
Radu cleared his throat, wondering if there was more meaning there, when a sweep of a cape around a corner ahead of them caught his eye. He sped up, turning in time to see Halil Pasha clasp hands with another man before they entered a room together.