The Amish Midwife - By Mindy Starns Clark Page 0,21

need to get away.

Anyone else in my position, feeling this isolated and alone, would probably be trying to reel James in about now. So why wasn’t I? If one is feeling kinless, why not start a family? I knew other adopted girls who always had to have a boyfriend, who always wanted to be needed, who always needed to be wanted. That wasn’t me. Once I finally got through my ugly duckling phase and started dating, I would break up when the guy became too serious.

James told me I did that because I was protecting myself. He said this happily at the time because we had been dating for six months, and he thought I’d made it past that phase with him. He wasn’t as happy now. Now he said I was pushing him away because I was afraid he would leave me, because I’d been traumatized by Dad “leaving” me. He was correct that I was pushing him away, but regardless of the reason, I was tired of his constant analysis. More than once, as he patiently outlined my actions in light of my damaged psyche, I was tempted to return the favor, telling him that his compulsion to practice psychology without a license was likely a natural defense mechanism against his own latent abandonment issues. Take that, Dr. James Nolan!

I met him on the sidewalk under a flowering cherry tree that rained pink petals on his head. He smiled as he brushed them out of his curls, but it was a melancholy smile with a hint of fear.

We walked around my neighborhood, strolling along the sidewalks. I stopped to window-shop; James grew restless and shuffled his feet. I was hoping to eat at the Asian Bistro on Twenty-third Avenue, but we ended up at Pepinos for their five-dollar special. James refused to let me pay when we went out.

“Tell me about Pennsylvania,” he said, unpeeling the foil from around his burrito. He knew I’d applied for the traveling nurse position; he knew I wanted to look for my birth family. In fact, I’d already posted my name, date of birth, and place of birth on the Pennsylvania adoption search site, hoping that someone from my family was looking for me too.

I told him about Sophie’s phone call and my change of plans. “I’ll work for a week or two in Lancaster County and then go to Philadelphia for four months.” Chances were, even if I put the house and orchard on the market before I left, it wouldn’t sell before harvest. I had to be back in case anything went wrong.

“Four months? Lexie, that’s a long time.”

I nodded.

“When were you going to tell me?”

“Nothing’s certain yet. It’s just looking like this might be how it all plays out.”

As he tilted his head, a pained expression passed over his face.

I rushed on, telling him the midwife worked with the Amish.

“So you’re going to be an Amish midwife?”

I smiled, thinking how odd that sounded. “Well, technically I’ll be a midwife to the Amish. But just for a week or two.”

“Is Marta Amish?

“No.”

“But she’s related to you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I think I’ve got it,” he said, smiling. Then he turned serious and added, “Are you really ready to find your birth family?” He’d broached the subject in the last couple of weeks, but I had evaded discussing it.

“You’re the one who’s wanted me to deal with my abandonment and attachment issues for the last year,” I said.

“But that’s different than looking for your birth family.”

“I just thought, you know, since Dad’s passed on that it was a good time to look. I won’t be hurting anyone’s feelings.”

“You were worried about that?”

“Or stirring up trouble.”

“Trouble for whom?”

“It’s not like I want a relationship with anyone, James. I just want to know…” my voice trailed off.

“Know what?”

I shrugged.

“What if it’s not what you expected?”

“Well, I don’t really expect anything in particular,” I lied. “So I think I’m good.”

He folded his hands on the table. “Wow.”

We stared at each other for a moment.

Then he said, “What does this mean for us?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you want to take a break while you’re gone?”

I slumped against the bench seat. “Actually…” I’d been mulling this over and over. “I do. But just while I’m gone.”

He drew in a deep breath. He let it out slowly and then said, “Is this a break as in ‘so you can see other people’?”

I wanted to laugh. Who would I want to see? “No,” I answered quickly. “Just a break so I