American Hero - George R. R. Martin Page 0,3

Let’s hear it for

DRUMMER BOY!

Michael Vogali

On Tour, the World

Keep your green thumb, JERUSHA has ten green fingers. Mighty oaks spring up from tiny acorns at her command. Here she is,

GARDENER!

Jerusha Carter

Jackson Hole, Wyoming

JONATHAN bugs out at the first sign of trouble, but he still packs a nasty sting. He’s

JONATHAN HIVE!

Jonathan Tipton-Clarke

Washington, D.C.

T.T. walks the high steel and builds them strong and straight. He’s tough, he’s tall, and he takes no crap off nobody. He’s

HARDHAT!

Todd “T.T.” Taszycki

Chicago, Illinois

Seeing isn’t believing when ANDREW is around, so best not believe your eyes or your ears or your nose. Only the tail is real with

WILD FOX!

Andrew Yamauchi

Fresno, California

Confessional: Michael Vogali aka Drummer Boy

So this thing’s on, right?

Man, this is some lame-ass crap, I tell you. Television is where the lowest common denominator goes to die. KA Cohen, if you’re listening to this, this sucks. This ain’t my idea of “fantastic publicity.” You want to know what’ll sell tickets, KA? Letting me stay in the studio so we can work on some [bleep]ing songs.

But hey, I said I’d do it, so here I am. I’m sure you’ve got yourself a big woody seeing me here, but I know the guys in the band ain’t happy—and neither am I.

They told me this was supposed to be an “introduction,” to talk about me and where I come from. [bleep] that—that ain’t particularly interesting.

I don’t know where I picked up the virus or how. My parents bought me a drum set when I was maybe six, and I loved the damn thing so much I was pounding on it whenever I could . . . and one day not long after I was banging away and all the sudden I felt sick and nauseous, and my body started stretching and tearing and the pain . . . God, I’ve never felt nothing like that, and hope I never do again. The next thing I remember, I woke up strapped down in a hospital bed looking like some wacked-out acid dream tarantula.

Yeah, after I realized that I’d actually turned into a human drum set, my parents decided what the hell, let’s make some bucks off our son the freak, and they started marketing me as . . . well, you know the name. I [bleep]ing hate that name, and the first time someone uses it here, they’re going to find their head ripped off and inserted up their [bleep].

Look, I’ll tolerate being called Drummer Boy, because I gotta. But I don’t like that, either. Call me “DB”—that’s what the guys in the band call me. Or treat me like a [bleep] actual human being and call me Michael.

I got away from my folks when I was sixteen. Ran away and started lying about my age and playing music. I hooked up with the Voice pretty early on; we were in a couple bands, then we picked up Shivers and things really started cooking. Shivers knew Bottom—for a while we were a four-piece group called Earviceration, playing speed metal. Then we came across S’Live, did some jamming with him, heard some of the tunes he’d written, and decided we liked the sound. That became Joker Plague.

We gigged around Chicago and the Midwest for a long time before the labels starting nosing around. Then we signed our big fat contract, and hey . . . now it’s stadiums rather than bars, roadies to haul our [bleep], and groupies trying to get backstage.

So they have me on the “Hearts” team—we’re the lame-o team. We’re packed with useless idiots, and we could really use a few more hot chicks. Curveball—Kate—now she’s worth looking at, but Gardener’s just so-so, and Earth Chick . . . well, with a good makeup artist, she might make it to plain. But I figure Ana’s gone after week one. I mean, so she can dig a [bleep]ing hole in the ground. Now there’s a great power; give me a damn shovel and I can do that too. Gardener’s gone right after her—ooh, look! She can make plants grow real fast! That and four bucks can get you a caramel frappuccino at Starbucks. Venti, even.

The guys on the team . . . Hardhat’s the only one worth much—I can see uses for what he can do. But Wild Fox and Bugsy? Stupid illusions that won’t even show up on television? Give me a [bleep]ing break. The producers are gonna be tearing out their perfect expensive haircuts with that guy. And hey, a good can of Raid takes care of