understood me. He had always understood me. He nodded. I swallowed, collected myself, and continued.
“Being good and at the same time living an everyday life…it’s…I’m forced into situations that…where all the alternatives are equally impossible. And I cannot…Eric, I’m serious, I…”
Then I whispered.
“Either I die, Eric. Die now. Quickly. Before I fall for the temptations. Before I’m seduced by the sort of things that others regard as bagatelles. Little things. That’s how evil tries to lure me. With the little things. Or else…we find a way out.”
He remained sitting silently. I dried my tears. I cleared my throat and did my best to focus. What I had to say demanded a certain degree of dignity.
“Eric, the agreement I am proposing…I want you to take my place. When life forces me to make a decision…when life forces me to do things…that are not compatible with goodness.”
He met my gaze, and I looked down at the table.
Now it was said.
The silence that followed became a long one.
“Okay,” he said at last. “Okay, we’ll do it. Shall we go?”
And with that I left Casino Monokowski for the second, and final, time.
I couldn’t stay under the table.
As long I could see her brown boots with the suns on the calf I didn’t dare risk anything, but when they disappeared out of sight I assumed that she’d sat down with the dove and the gorillas. With a certain difficulty I wriggled myself back up onto the red seat. I didn’t want to risk Nick coming over to my booth and asking what I was doing. It would have been difficult to explain.
A single thought echoed in my head. I ought not to have been this close to Emma Rabbit. Not at Nick’s Café, right across the street from number 32 Uxbridge Street, that sober, brick-red street.
She had just arrived. I had to go.
I had to get out of there.
I evaluated my chances. Could I make my way from my booth and over to the door without Emma seeing me? It was likely that she was sitting on the outside of the booth behind mine. If she were seated facing in, the possibilities of succeeding were reasonable. But if she were seated facing the exit…
And if I remained sitting?
They were carrying on a conversation which I still could not hear, but Emma’s soft, clear voice went right into my heart. It was painful.
So near.
After a few minutes I’d had enough. I had to do something. It was impossible to remain sitting. I moved carefully along the table. I held on to the menu in order to conceal my face if that should be required.
It was required.
Suddenly the tone from the neighboring booth changed. Departure. Farewells. I ducked down behind the dessert menu. A few seconds later Emma Rabbit was standing right next to me. She stood with her back turned toward me. The dove placed himself alongside her. I peeked over the edge of my dessert menu. The dove and Emma were embracing each other. They were hugging. Thank goodness the dove closed his eyes as he hugged her, otherwise he would have seen me. I ducked down behind the menu again.
“Bye-bye, Papa,” said Emma Rabbit.
“Bye-bye, honey,” said the dove.
“And, Papa,” said Emma, “if you forget my birthday again this year I’ll never forgive you.”
The dove laughed a high-pitched laugh, and I heard how Emma turned and left the place.
I don’t know what I did then.
I remained sitting behind my menu until long after the dove and his gorillas had left the café.
I had just seen the fatherless Emma Rabbit’s father.
It was a lie. She was a lie. Thoughts raced through my head, like balloons bursting.
My Emma. Who was she really?
CHAPTER 21
They say that a stuffed animal can get used to anything, but each time he returned, Eric Bear found Yiala’s Arch just as repugnant. It had as much to do with the narrow alley, reeking of urine, as with Sam Gazelle’s claustrophobic apartment. Despite all that was at stake, Eric was forced to overcome the most intense revulsion each time he returned to Yok after having carried out an errand somewhere else in the city. When he passed Eastern Avenue and continued south, it was as though he were crossing a border. His identity was wiped out in a single stroke. In the rest of the city there was a surrounding world which reflected him as the sum of his actions. There animals understood how to interpret his ironic humility. In Yok he was nobody.