He looks at the ceiling. I can almost see the thoughts tumbling through his mind.
“Dad?”
“Right here.”
“Is Mom going to die?”
Pain seizes my chest so hard that for a second I can’t breathe. I rest my hands on either side of Nicholas’s head, leaning closer to look into his eyes that are so much like his mother’s.
“Some people do die from cancer,” I admit, willing him to believe what I say next. “But your mother has a kind that is treatable, and we’re doing everything we can to make sure she gets well and that she’s with us for a very long time. There’s a lot we still don’t know, but I promise we’ll tell you when we find out. No matter what, we both love you very much and will always take care of you and your sister. We’ll always be a family, and we’ll always be together.”
“If Mom dies, we won’t be.”
“She’s going to get better, Nicholas. Things are just different right now.”
“I don’t want anything to be different.”
“Neither do I,” I say. “But life changes all the time, sometimes in really good ways, and sometimes not so good. And we’re so lucky to be the family that we are because we can handle anything together. Anything.”
He looks at me skeptically. “What if a bunch of asteroids starts falling on us?”
“I’ll grab the biggest baseball bat in the world and knock them back into space.”
“What if a whole big flock of evil, fire-breathing dragons surrounds our house?”
“You and I will turn the fire extinguisher on them.”
“What if there’s a zombie apocalypse?”
“We’ll send Bella out to scare them all away.”
Nicholas chuckles. “What if Darth Vader and Lex Luthor and the Joker and Magneto and Voldemort attack us?”
“Your mother will invite them in for tea and cookies, and next thing you know, they’ll all be good guys.”
That brings a smile out of him. “Mom does make great cookies.”
“Yes, she does. And she’ll make some again for you soon. Any kind you want.”
His smile widens. The cloud around my heart lifts. I press my lips against his forehead.
“That’s how much we love each other,” I say. “And that’s what you need to focus on. If you get scared, you come and tell me. We’ll figure out how to deal with it together, okay?”
“Okay.” The worried expression on his face eases as he snuggles under the covers. “G’night, Dad.”
“Night, buddy. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
I wait for him to shift around and get comfortable before I turn off the light and head into Bella’s room to say goodnight to her. I go back downstairs, taking the baby monitor with me so I can hear if either of them call.
Claire is in the kitchen, washing the mixing bowls and cleaning the counters. She glances at me over her shoulder.
“They get to sleep okay?” she asks.
“More or less.” I walk to the door leading to the spiral staircase. “I’m going to get some bills paid. You need anything?”
“No, I’m good.”
I climb the stairs to my tower office, sit at the desk, and turn on the computer. As it boots up, I check in on Liv. The nurse says she’s sleeping, but that her last blood counts were better. I hope to God that means she can come home tomorrow.
I log into a few different accounts and pay bills, then stop just short of searching for information about infections during chemo. My eyes are heavy and itchy with fatigue.
I look at the framed photos on my desk—pictures of Nicholas and Bella, of Liv with them in front of the Duomo in Florence, and one of Liv alone that I’d taken during our honeymoon. She’s seated at an outdoor café on the Rue Danton.
Unlike the photo in my office on campus, Liv isn’t smiling at the camera in this photo. She’s looking out onto the street, her profile etched against the window behind her, a scarf wound around her throat. Her hair loose and messy. Just the way I like it.
Ah, my Liv.
I push away from the desk, strip off my T-shirt, and lie down on the sofa. I can’t stand the thought of sleeping—or lying awake—in bed without Liv there. Without the peaches-and-cream scent of her, the press of her body, the sound of her breathing.
How many times has she woken when I’ve gotten into bed? How many times has she reached over to slide her hand across my chest, down beneath the waistband of my pajama pants?