“Dr. Nolan wanted me to have a mammogram,” Liv explains, shrugging out of her coat. “Then the radiologist wanted me to have an ultrasound.”
“Why?”
“Something about my breasts having a lot of tissue.” She shakes her head and moves past me to the living room. Her voice lightens when she says, “Hey, it’s my two little hedgehogs.”
“Mommy,” Bella yells, pushing to her feet and rushing toward Liv.
Nicholas follows at a more sedate pace to hug her. I smother my burning need to know as Liv asks the kids about their days at school, but when she passes me to go into the kitchen, I grab her arm.
“Tell me,” I say.
“Later,” she whispers, glancing back at the kids.
“Now.”
“Hey, Mom, you have to sign this permission slip for our field trip to see The Wizard of Oz.” Nicholas comes into the kitchen, waving a crumpled piece of paper.
Liv pulls her arm from my grasp and turns to our son. Frustration floods my chest. I struggle to get through the next couple of hours as a flurry of activity follows—Nicholas and Bella both showing Liv their schoolwork, Bella complaining that she doesn’t want to take a bath, Nicholas asking what’s for dessert.
Liv, as usual, handles everything with calm self-assurance, and after a spaghetti dinner, she gives Bella a peach-scented bubble bath while Nicholas and I make brownies from a boxed mix for dessert. The kids eat happily, then run around like monkeys as Liv and I cajole them into bed.
Finally, their lights are out. I follow Liv into the bedroom, my fear spiking anew.
“What?” I ask, more sharply than I’d intended. “Tell me everything.”
“There’s an obvious lump, as you know.” She sits on the bed and sighs. “The radiologist couldn’t read the mammogram results because my breasts are too dense, so he did an ultrasound. Then he said that because of the way the lump looks and feels, he wants to do a biopsy.”
My vision darkens at the edges. A biopsy?
I can’t repeat the word aloud. Liv looks at the floor. Silence stretches between us, brittle and thin.
“He sent the reports to Dr. Nolan, and they’re going to let me know tomorrow when they can schedule it. The radiologist said they’d try to do it quickly, so I don’t have to wait.”
Silence again. I approach her, reaching out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. I hate that she had to spend all afternoon at the doctor’s getting tests that will lead to a fucking biopsy of her breast. And I hate that I wasn’t with her.
“I wish you’d called me,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice even. “I could have gone with you.”
“No. You had the kids, and…well, I’m sure it’s nothing anyway. They’re just doing the tests as a precaution, which I guess is a good thing.”
It doesn’t sound good, though. Nothing about this sounds good.
“Come on.” I tilt my head toward the door. “Let’s go watch a bad TV show and eat all the junk food we hide from the kids.”
She shakes her head. “I’m really tired. I’m just going to read for a while and go to bed.”
She pushes to her feet and goes into the bathroom. I pace from one end of the room to the other. When she comes out, my gaze goes to her breasts beneath her purple nightgown, their gorgeous weight and fullness rounding the thin fabric, the valley of her cleavage revealed by the V neckline.
A biopsy? A needle sticking into her breast to draw out…what?
I drag my eyes up to Liv’s face. She’s watching me, as if she noticed me looking. She pulls on her robe.
“Are you going to do some work?” she asks with forced casualness.
“Uh, yeah. Sure.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.
I back toward the door as Liv takes the quilt off the bed and starts to fluff up the pillows.
“I guess I’ll go up to my office,” I finally say.
“Okay. I’ll be asleep by the time you come to bed.”
I walk toward her, reaching out to grasp her shoulders. Whatever the hell is going on right now, I’m not giving up our good-night kiss. I lower my head and press my lips against hers, feeling her fingers curl around my arms as she leans into me. For an instant, the tightness in my chest eases, but then Liv pulls away.
“Goodnight,” she says, sliding her hand across my jaw. “I love you.”