With All My Heart - Emilia Finn Page 0,39

of my racing from years ago.

It’s still in good shape, because I like to work on it in my measly spare time, but the parts, the belts, the frame, it’s all going to shit out eventually.

You can’t treat cars the way I treated mine and expect it to last forever.

I was coming home to lie and get our family back on track, but with all the lies comes a ball of lead – also known as dread and guilt – that have sat low in my belly ever since Geo suggested I race.

Every day since then, the ball has coiled and grown until the point it almost chokes me to death.

I don’t lie.

I especially don’t lie to Bert.

But here I am, ready to feed her a bullshit story to help ease my male ego and the responsibility I feel to provide for my family.

“I can feel you.” Her voice feeds me. Lightens me. Relaxes me. “Remember when you were first trying to get into my pants and you said we could feel each other.” She opens a single eye and pins me where I stand. “You said it wasn’t normal. It was special.” She inclines her head. “You remember?”

I set my hat and keys down on the side table, move to my hands and knees, and crawl along the floor to stop beside her. As soon as I lie on my side, Nelly turns to hers and clasps my hands.

Instantly adapting, Bobby adjusts his routine and takes turns climbing on us both.

“You remember, right?”

I nod. “Of course I do. It was the truest thing I’ve ever said.”

She smiles. “Exactly. Well, marriage, six years, a monster already here and another on the way… I can still feel you.”

I can still feel you, too.

“What’s got you sad, Bry?” Her finger comes up to stroke my nose. “Is it money?”

I nod and pretend like my heart isn’t breaking.

“So, I’ve been thinking.” Her smile is breathtaking. So sweet and pure and all I ever wanted. And here I am, getting ready to lie to her face. To risk it all. One slip, and she could decide she’s done with me. “So we know how much we owe. We know how much you earn. Assuming you don’t get fired, and hell, you may even get a raise, so that’ll help. Assuming we live on a strict grocery budget, we don’t go out ever, and we don’t travel anywhere in the car.” She smiles ruefully. “We can pay off everything in eighteen months. I know it sucks.” Her hand comes to the back of my head like she’s scared I’m going to run off. “You’ll be working so hard, Bry. I know you work hard, but if you can hold on for eighteen more months, we can pay it all off, then it’s all up from there.”

I clear the shit from my throat.

Emotion, pussy bitch emotion. “I’ve been doing the math too, Bert. My math and your math don’t match.”

She smiles. “That’s because you suck at math. And… Because I realized I can help. I should contribute to the family.”

And that’s why she was holding my head. For the inevitable blow-up. “You’re not getting a job, Bert! No fucking way!”

“Not a job outside the home,” she rushes out. “But I could do stuff here. I was thinking… I have that shiny degree, Bry. I could tutor an hour a day during the week. Those kids would come to me. It’d keep my brain sharp. It would make me feel useful. And it plays into the eighteen-month plan. It’s not much compared to what you bring in, but it’d mean a lot to me to be able to help.”

“I promised to take care of you, Bert.” My heart pounds against my chest. “It’s my job to take care of you. It’s my privilege!”

“You can’t take care of us if you race, Bry. I’ve had a bad feeling in my gut since the day I found out you race.” Her eyes bore into mine. “Back in high school. Those cars are no good. That track is no good.”

“How’d you kn–”

She smiles. “I didn’t know exactly what. But I know something’s up, Bry. And I know money’s your biggest worry. Especially after the ER, I know you’re hurting.” She places her hand over my heart. “I know you’d do anything for your family, and since I know your go-to plan for money is racing… it was the logical solution.”

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “I was