All the Devils Are Here (Chief Inspector Armand Gamache #16) - Louise Penny Page 0,101
I’m in a rage, you … asshole.”
“You never speak to me like that, do you understand?” His father stared at him until Daniel dropped his eyes. But did not apologize.
“I’m deeply, deeply sorry for what happened twenty-five years ago,” Armand went on, barely containing his own anger. “I wish with all my heart it hadn’t. I wish I’d realized what had gone wrong. I wish we hadn’t lost all that time together, but it’s happened. I’ve apologized and I’ll spend the rest of my life saying I’m sorry, if you want, but you need to set it aside for now.”
“No, you don’t get off that easily. Do you have any idea what it feels like, to have your own father not just suspect you of a crime, but spy on you?”
“I used a tracking app to find out where you were, yes. Because we were afraid. Your mother and I called over and over. When you didn’t answer, we got worried. You know why?”
Daniel scowled, and remained silent.
“Because we love you. I used that tracker not because I suspect you, but because I love you. Because the thought of anything happening to you had me terrified. I’d do anything, anything, to find you. To protect you. Anything. And if it means you’re safe, but you hate me for the rest of your life, that’s a price I’m willing to pay. I hope to God you’d do the same for me.”
He dropped his voice almost to a whisper. “If you don’t know by now, Daniel, how much I love you, then I’m afraid you never will.”
Downstairs in the living room, Jean-Guy took Annie’s hand as they stared at the stairway. No longer pretending not to listen. They’d tried small talk, but all conversation about the weather was blown away by the words tumbling down.
* * *
“You want me to say that I know? That I love you, too?” said Daniel. “You’re going to wait a long time, old man.”
Armand’s mouth opened slightly as he absorbed the blow. A sharp inhale and his hands closing tight were the only indications of the magnitude of pain.
“That doesn’t change my feelings for you,” he managed to say. Quietly. “Never will. I will love you until the day I die. And beyond.”
He held out his hand. It trembled, very slightly, as he offered it to his son.
Not to shake. But to take.
As he’d reached out to his little boy when crossing the street. Or in a crowd.
Or hiking along a trail when there was a rustle in the woods.
To let Daniel know he was not alone. His father would protect him, no matter what.
He would not lose him.
“I’m not a child,” snapped Daniel. “I don’t need you. Never have, never will.”
He turned his back on his father and left.
Annie, Reine-Marie, Jean-Guy, and Séverine got to their feet when Daniel appeared.
“Everything’s fine,” he said.
Though Reine-Marie wasn’t fooled. She knew what “fine” meant.
Armand came down a few minutes later. He’d needed the time to splash water on his face. And gather himself. He stopped in to see Honoré, and kiss the sleeping boy lightly on the forehead.
As he went down the stairs, Armand heard Daniel say to his mother, “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call. I was with Stephen and didn’t want to be disturbed.” He turned to Séverine Arbour. “Who are you?”
“I work with Jean-Guy.”
She explained about Beauvoir coming to her home and asking for help.
Armand came down and greeted her, thanking her for joining them.
“Let’s sit at the dining table,” he suggested.
As they walked over, Reine-Marie took his arm and whispered, “Is she really here to help? You said they might try to place someone among us. Her?”
“Possible,” he whispered. “But Jean-Guy went to her, not the other way around.”
“What’re you two whispering about?” Annie asked.
“Food,” said Reine-Marie. “What to order.”
“Oh, good, I’m starving.”
The order was placed for sandwiches, patisseries, and drinks.
“There goes my other kidney,” muttered Reine-Marie.
Armand also called down for an easel, paper, and magic markers.
“In case you’re still wondering,” said Daniel, speaking to his mother and ignoring his father, “I did go to see Commander Fontaine. I told her that I knew Alexander Plessner. That he was a sort of mentor to me in the venture capital division.”
“And what was her reaction?” Armand asked.
What had happened upstairs needed to be set aside. There were far more immediate, if not more important, issues to deal with.
Daniel turned to him, and for a moment Armand thought he’d refuse to answer.