An Alien's Guide to the Human Species - By Deb McEwan Page 0,3
work properly this time.
They landed and set up a temporary HQ in a local park. Comms were checked and Max received orders to find and occupy 20 suitable places and observe and comment on the residents or visitors. His team would then transmit the observations back to the Terry scientists. The decision on how Max was to deploy his workforce was left entirely up to him, as long as 20 places were put under surveillance. Max decided to put 20 Cavaliers to work in each location with 10 Jacobies providing security, aggression where required, and general duties as ordered by the Cavaliers. Max was well respected by his subordinates and had, in their opinion, struck an excellent balance with the shift system which would enable each spider to have plenty of time off for rest and exploration between shifts.
Not forgetting the seriousness of the mission, Max kept approximately 50 spiders in reserve in case of accidents or attack from the unknown creatures of the new planet.
Before setting up in each location, Max had to ensure that the resident Earth spiders were evicted. Some of the more aggressive types tried causing problems, but as soon as they met the Jacobies they realised that resistance was pointless and moved on. The only real problem that Max encountered was with a wuss called Gary at his HQ home.
Max encountered the spider which appeared to live behind the wardrobe in a bedroom of the ground floor flat, on a university campus. Of the few glimpses he’d had it looked large with thick legs and a solid abdomen. Erring on the side of caution Max decided to take Julian and another Jacoby along with him to assist with the eviction.
‘Hello, my name is Max and I need to speak to you as a matter of urgency.’ No response so Max tried a different tack.
‘Come out now, or I’ll send the boys in to drag you out.’
That did the trick and Max heard a squeaky voice.
‘OK, but promise you won’t hurt me.’
‘I won’t hurt you. I need to speak to you.’
He crept out into the open and although almost as large as the Jacobies, screwed his legs up to make himself look smaller. Before Max had a chance to explain the situation, the spider started whinging.
‘I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m just living here minding my own business.’
‘What’s your name?’ Asked Max.
‘Gary.’ He whimpered.
‘Right, Gary, for reasons you don’t need to know I’m evicting you from this property. You need to find yourself a new home. I understand this may be inconvenient but the other spider residents of this home have moved upstairs and you may want to join them there.’
‘No, no, no I can’t move.’ Gary was getting hysterical. ‘I’m agoraphobic and can’t go outside the door. Please let me stay, I won’t be any trouble. If you make me go it will kill me.’
‘You won’t even have to go outside. Just walk out of the door and up the stairs, it’s that easy.’
While he was explaining Max noticed that Gary had started shaking
‘I’m sorry, Gary but it’s the only way. You have to leave.’ Max hadn’t anticipated this reaction and certainly didn’t want this pathetic creature to come to any harm.
Gary, sensing Max hesitate burbled on.
‘It’s been like this since Sebastian left. He came here from Scotland accidentally transported when he was living in a suitcase. It was love at first sight for me but I could sense Seb’s unrest after a couple of months. One day I woke up, and he’d gone and I’ve been on my own and frightened to go outside the door ever since.’
‘So you prefer males to females then?’ Max hadn’t met a gay spider before, but then again he hadn’t met many Earth spiders.
‘You’re not homophobic are you?’ Max didn’t have a clue what this meant but said he wasn’t anyway.
‘Right, Gary. I do sympathise with you but I’ve an important mission to carry out here. This is what’s going to happen. My boys will escort you upstairs and introduce you to some of the resident spiders there. As a personal favour we’ll fit you with a panic alarm and if you feel threatened, you can press the button and the boys will come and assist you. But I warn you to only use the alarm if your life is in danger.’
Gary was not happy.
‘I absolutely refuse to go.’
Max had run out of patience.
‘Fine. I’ll have you forcibly evicted and you won’t get any protection from us at