He had never planned on revisiting that time with her.
“You are real?” he asked.
“Yes,” she replied.
He closed his eyes.
“Did you mean it?” she whispered. “That you love me?”
Jaxor swallowed. “Tev.”
Erin sighed and she was out of his arms in the next moment, putting space between them. Jaxor wanted to follow, but he clenched his fists at his sides, feeling the distance like it was a punishment.
He looked down at the sterile white floor of his living quarters, his jaw clenching. He told her he loved her and she pulled away.
Of course she would, he thought.
Water droplets from his hair trailed over his shoulders before dropping to the floor. Distantly, he remembered he was naked. He knew that she might not react well to that, so he pulled on pants as silence stretched between them.
When he glanced over at her, she had her arms wrapped around her midsection, biting her lip. Jaxor felt…numb. A flash of a memory came to him. Of Erin, her cheeks flushed, warmth shining from her eyes, as they whispered into the night, only two spans before she was taken. A part of him believed then that she could love him. That she might stay for him and their future had never seemed so bright.
But those thoughts and dreams shattered in an instant.
“Let me help you,” she said quietly, though her voice sounded so far away.
“Help me?”
His rixella peered at him, her expression suddenly serious. “I’m sure we can get you out of here. Before the trial,” she whispered.
“Rebax?” he asked, shaking his head.
“Your brother will help, won’t he? We can sneak you out from the command center, you can get a hovercraft and just go,” she said, but her lip began to tremble a little and Jaxor saw the fear in her eyes.
Pain was starting to pierce the blanket of numbness. “And what about you?”
She swallowed. “What about me?”
Jaxor clenched his jaw, but he made himself ask the question. “Would you go with me?”
Jaxor felt like his whole future balanced on her answer.
Her eyes closed and he felt like the air was ripped straight from his lungs.
“You…that’s not…” she trailed off, thrown by the question, telling him everything he needed to know. That she wanted him to live, perhaps, but that she didn’t want him. That she didn’t want them. Not anymore. “Don’t ask me to answer that.”
“I will stay,” he informed her, his voice steady. Sure.
“Why?” she cried out, her eyes flashing open, angry and afraid. “So that they can sentence you to death or force you to leave your planet? For what? For nothing!”
“Nothing?” he rasped, shaking his head. “Not nothing, rixella.”
“Yes, nothing. Even Vaxa’an said this trial isn’t fair,” she whispered. Her eyes were getting glassy again. “Please. We can help you. Before it’s too late.”
“I will stay here,” Jaxor rumbled, shaking his head. Determination colored his tone. “I am done running. I am done hiding. I will face the elder council and accept their decision, whatever it may be.”
“Jaxor—”
“I am not above our laws,” he rasped. “And I told you, I am done running. It is past time that I face the judgment of my people. Even if the worst should happen…at least I will know that my sins will go with me. That this will be done. I must do this.”
Whatever she saw in him made the impending argument die in her throat.
Jaxor swallowed and forced himself to say, “You should keep our matehood private, Erin.”
She froze, her gaze flashing. “What?”
“Only Vaxa’an knows for certain. Perhaps the Ambassadors as well, but the council will not know. The public should not know either.”
“Why would I keep it secret?”
Jaxor said, “You will be treated differently if Luxirians know that you are connected to me.”
Erin stared at him, her chest rising and falling.
Jaxor wanted nothing more than to have her accept him. But it was too late. That much was obvious.
“Until you leave, being associated with me could make life difficult for you here,” he said. “I just want you to be safe.”
Her eyes were glassy and she looked down to the floor, breaking their gaze.
“No matter what happens, I am glad the Fates led me to you, rixella,” he said softly. A small breath escaped her. “I want you to know that.”
When she looked up, Jaxor was surprised by the desperation, by the flash of determination and fear in her gaze. But the longer she looked at him, that emotion faded slowly. She looked on the verge of saying something. He’d seen it