The Ahern Brothers Collection - Claudia Burgoa Page 0,98

sweating. My lungs desperately gasped for air. When I opened my eyes, I struggled trying to figure out where I was. My heart thumped a million beats per minute.

It took some time to control my breathing and find myself at the cabin, alone—without you. I miss your soothing words, your hand rubbing my back in circles while you’d ask me where I was until my mind adjusted to reality and I could finally find my voice. You’d wrap me up in your arms. We’d be in a cocoon where I found peace and the entire world would go away.

Today, I have to settle with writing you a letter to make sure you’re safe. My nightmares are a mix of memories from my teenage years and my life with you. They start the same as they did for years—in the basement—but then I’m in my room and you’re coming over to save me. But it’s a trap. He kills you because I told you the truth.

I can’t breathe when I stare at your lifeless body. I scream, asking for help, but no sound comes out of my mouth. Some nights it takes too long to come back into myself and recognize what’s real from what’s not.

It upsets me that this continues happening nightly. The nightmares were supposed to stay behind, in Denver. That’s how it happened when I went to college. This time, they followed me just like the ghosts of my past. And I cry, hard and long because you’re not here to make it better. How am I supposed to get better when nightly, I relive my past, and I lose you all over again?

To soothe myself, every night I recount the first night at your parents. You just knew how to calm me. I can still feel the relief and serenity that your arms offered that day and long after. I wish you were with me. I miss you so much.

Love,

Abby

November 5th

Wes,

Sorry for my last letter. I shouldn’t have sent it. I still wish you were beside me.

Love,

Abby

November 7th

Wes,

Happy birthday! May all your wishes come true.

Love,

Abby

November 10th

Abby,

My only wishes are that you stop hurting, and to have you with me. I’d give my life if that would take away the pain that you’re going through. Every night I wonder how you’re feeling and if you’re able to sleep. Each morning I miss you even more. Please, write to me no matter the circumstances. I want to know who you really are, without the mask.

You’re beautiful inside and outside. I can’t speak for my parents, but since the beginning, I accepted you as you were. Sad, broken, afraid of your own shadow. We found something in common, our love for the mountains and hiking. We drove to a different place almost every weekend. Since the beginning, I enjoyed our time together. Climbing the fourteeners with you was fun. Traveling, finding new places, and conquering mountains was your passion. There’s no way you could fake the joy of reaching the summit and appreciating the view from the top.

“Everything looks so much different from here,” you said once. “We should always look at everything from a different angle.”

That word, everything was such a broad term. Did you ever realize how much you like to discover new places and learn about other cultures, animals, and technology?

I understand how you feel though. It’s what I’ve been doing all my life. Pretending to be the perfect kid for Mom and Dad. For years, I pushed myself to be the son Dad wanted. My biggest regret is never standing up for myself. When I did, he had a heart attack and died.

I hated him and myself. As he planned the IPO, I was ready to walk out of Ahern Inc. It’s taking me a long time to accept that I wasn’t the cause of his death. He didn’t eat healthy. He had a heart condition he never told us about, and he refused to change his lifestyle the way the doctor had ordered.

These past months have been hard on me too. Hopefully, I’ll get my shit together soon before you come back. Are you coming back?

Wes

November 30th

Wes,

Am I coming back?

That’s a hard question to answer when I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave this place. Today, I go as far as promising that I’m not giving up on myself. I take it one day at a time. As my therapist says, baby steps.

How was Thanksgiving? I heard you guys spent it in Arizona