must understand exactly what is happening with Carl. Don’t let any more misunderstandings occur, don't let anything else come between you both. It’s not been the smoothest of paths and whilst I normally advise caution with such things, I can’t help feeling where you are concerned it might be an idea to simply tell him exactly how you feel and leave absolutely no room for any more confusion. Every time you seem to be making progress, something comes along and spoils things so don’t waste any more time Ellie, make him listen to you and be honest. Tell him how you feel before anything else goes wrong!
If it’s any consolation, I'm finding my own path to be a bit rocky at the moment. It doesn’t seem to matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to reach Jasper. We had arranged a special night away, a lovely hotel suite, a restaurant and an evening to ourselves. I’m afraid it didn't go very well, in fact, it was a disaster. It’s as though trying to get him to recognise how things have changed is only serving to make me see how bad they’ve become.
Deciding that our future didn’t depend on a family was a hard decision to make, but Jasper and I were happy as a couple and it seemed the right course for us at the time. Actually, there is something that very few people know. Two years ago, I found out I was pregnant and then I had a miscarriage. The pregnancy was unexpected, we’d never made any firm decisions one way or another about a family, we both thought it would happen one day. Then I found out I was expecting a baby and suddenly our lives moved onto a whole new level. We were excited, terrified, worried, happy. We kept it very much to ourselves in the early months, it was a delicious secret shared only between the two of us. But then I lost the baby. And the excitement and happiness disappeared, only the terror and the worry remained. It took a while for me to get back to my old self. When Jasper and I discussed the future, the thought of going through such pain and heartbreak again petrified both of us and we agreed that we were blissfully happy as we were. Jasper pointed out that we didn't really have time to fit in a family anyway, we were far too busy with our lives, so we chose to remain a couple, no family, just the two of us.
I have never regretted our decision but now Jasper seems to have forgotten how we felt and why we made that choice and it’s making me angry. You’re the first person I’ve ever really discussed this with and it's surprisingly liberating to get it off my chest. It’s also making me think far more deeply about our life together and I’ve come to the realisation that I shouldn’t have to save our marriage by myself. There’ll be no more games, no more ploys to get Jasper to look up from his phone once in a while, I think it’s time he understood the danger we are facing. My overwhelming fear is that he won't feel motivated enough to do anything about it and the thought of not having Jasper by my side is something that I find quite terrifying.
Sending you courage,
Fliss x
This email has been sent by Fliss Carmichael, the online agony aunt of The Digital Recorder. All views expressed herein are her own and should not be taken as an instruction to proceed with any course of action without careful consideration of the potential consequences. The Digital Recorder claims no responsibility for any trauma, divorce proceedings or physical injury that may result from the advice contained herein. Thank you for contributing.
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Chapter 18
By the time Ellie arrived at work on Monday morning, Laura was pulling her hair out, desperate to hear how the encounter had gone.
‘Did you tell Jeff you weren’t at football because of him?’ demanded Laura. ‘Did you tell Logan that you fancied him? Did you tell Harriet to back off? Did you make sure everybody understood that it’s Logan you want?’
Throwing her bag into her bottom drawer, Ellie flicked on her computer, wondering where to start.
‘Not exactly,’ she answered wearily.
‘Not exactly? Which bit did you not exactly do?’
‘Well, I did tell Jeff I was there only as a supporter.’