After Felix - Lily Morton Page 0,37
pain.
“I’m not stringing him along.”
“Yes, you are.” Zeb’s voice contains absolute authority. “And for the first time in our lives, I’m worried that I’m going to be ashamed of you. Felix deserves the world. He deserves someone who will put him first, someone who will love everything that’s wonderful about him and there is so bloody much of that. He needs someone who won’t be looking over his shoulder constantly for the person he really wants. Felix should be enough for the right man. Can you be that person, Max?”
There’s a long silence, and then Max says, ‘no’ and all of my half-formed dreams and plans collapse. I reel away from the wall and make my way back down the corridor, my heart pounding as if it’s trying to leave my chest. The pain needs to come out, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let that happen in public.
I find my way back to our room, but, strangely, the pain stays buried and I feel numb. I go to the window and look out. Twilight has fallen, and the grounds are lit with torches. I jump as a firework suddenly explodes over my head, and I hear the sounds of cheering. I feel cold and distant from it all, and I welcome that state of being.
I’ve been second place all my life—with my dad and his new family, with my mum too obsessed with her lost relationship to see me. I was even an interloper with Misha’s family when I lived with them. For once in my life, I thought I’d found someone I could care about, someone who might reciprocate. I’d been lulled by the great sex, the intense conversations and laughs, the way he looked after me, only to find that I’m bloody second place yet again.
I stand there for a while, feeling the cold breeze on my face and listening to the revellers below. I breathe in and, when I exhale, I let everything go—my silly hopes and dreams for a future with Max, the safety I’d felt only with him, the stupid idea that he might be someone who could grow to love me. I push every feeling away, and then I move about the room, packing my bag.
I’m sitting in the armchair by the window when the door opens. Max’s tall figure is silhouetted against the light in the hallway for a second before he pulls the door shut. “Felix?” he says, the slur still apparent in his voice.
I reach over and flick on the table lamp, and he curses at the brightness and flings his hand up to shield his eyes.
I wait him out, one leg crossed over the other. When he lowers his hand, I watch his gaze flick about the room before landing on the bag by my feet.
“What’s happening?” he says.
“I think it probably should be obvious, but I’m going home.”
“Wait. What… Why?”
“Because I should never have come in the first place. This wasn’t the place for me, and I don’t think you ever intended to bring me, anyway.”
“Why?” He staggers slightly. “Why not?”
“Because you’re in love with one of the grooms, and I don’t think you wanted to rub my face in it.” I shrug. “Not sure why, Max. I’m only a casual shag to you after all.”
He blanches, his face turning sheet-white. But to his credit, he doesn’t try to lie. “I’m sorry,” he says in a low voice.
“Why?” I ask, glad to hear how calm my voice is.
“Because I didn’t want to lead you on,” he says passionately. “You’re not a casual shag, Felix. I care, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Don’t be so bloody patronising,” I say, and my calmness stops him in his tracks. He hovers, breathing hard and watching me. “I am a casual shag. They don’t get much more casual, Max. You didn’t even have to buy me a drink, and I was yours. Don’t pretend to care about me now, because after I walk out of this room, you won’t even miss me. I haven’t made the slightest impact on your world, so don’t give me sweet words to let me down gently.”
“What do you mean when you walk away? Felix, please.”
I stand up. “I have to go.” There’s harshness in my voice now, because this is it. I won’t be with him again. I won’t lie in bed laughing at whatever random thought enters his head. I won’t hear his husky laugh again, smell his scent of sandalwood and feel the