all the while knowing I won't give the letter to Eleanora, because I am too weak to fight my need for Adrian.
Once I'm done, I leave the letter on my nightstand, meaning to tear it up before I fall asleep. I think about Adrian some more. About experiencing what I have with him, how much I still want him. How I'm even more determined to never accept Vitto as my husband.
Then I'm flooded with guilt. He's the reason my family is gone. We've been wiped out. I can never be with the man who caused me to lose everything. How could I forgive myself? My parents never would, and God wouldn't, either.
I fall asleep somewhere in the middle of the night, my dreams plagued by Adrian and his cruel gaze. The two personalities we play around each other couple in new ways, fucking with my mind and turning my nightmares into deep fear that makes me scream out loud.
I shoot up at the sound of my own voice, panicking as I look around the room. I was dreaming. It's all over.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I check the nightstand for the letter I wrote the previous night. It's gone.
A chill washes over me. My first thought is that someone has found the letter, someone who could really hurt me because of it. Adrian or one of the guards.
Only when I see Eleanora smiling at me from the window do I realize it could have been her. "Did you send it already?" This morning I don't need to be convinced to get out of bed. I rush to Eleanora, kneeling before her and digging in the pocket of her uniform. "Oh please, Eleanora, tell me you didn't send the letter..."
She raises her hands. The letter is gone, with a regretful expression she expects me to punish her. She braces for a slap I don't give her.
"It's okay?? I breathe. "I'll just write another note."
I quickly scribble another letter of apology, explaining I was just too emotional earlier and they should hold off on the escape plan. I slip it into Eleanora's apron.
She nods wordlessly, signaling she will get the letter into the right hands.
I take a shower and eat breakfast, doing my best to force more food into my body while the events of the previous night play out in my head. The way Adrian had kissed me... it was pure passion. And I can't fight my own emotions forever. I realize I am waiting with bated breath to see him today. I want him to come into my room with that signature smirk of his.
"Eleanora, where is Adrian?" I ask my maid.
She glances at me nervously before shaking her head.
"What do you mean? Did he leave?"
She nods, offering a sad little smile.
I crumple on the couch. "When is he coming back? Where did he go?" I don't expect an answer. I know she can't speak. But speaking it out loud is helping me calm my nerves.
Deciding I need to stay busy, I prepare another easel. I'm painting myself, like Adrian wanted. I paint myself in a nearly translucent glass chain that leads from a leash around my throat to Adrian's outstretched hand. I draw his tattoos on the backs of his palm in great detail, realizing with a start I don't even know how much of his body those tattoos cover. He's so different from the little boy I met at the docks once. He's all grown up, and out for blood.
I paint for three days, and Adrian doesn't come and see me once. It's only because of Eleanora's nods that I know he is still away. I ask Eleanora to have the painting I made of us displayed in his bedroom. I wonder what he'll think of it.
On the third night, I fall asleep waiting for him to show up.
He doesn't.
I wake up with a start in the middle of the night, feeling a chill go over my skin as goosebumps erupt all over my body. He's here. I just know it. I can feel his electric presence in the room. My eyes go to the camera on the wall, but the red dot is off. He isn't filming me.
"What woke you up?" a voice speaks up.
I startle, staring into the corner where his dark shape is coming to life.
"Did you have a bad dream, bambina?"
"Where were you?" I demand right away, staring at him with accusing eyes. "How could you just leave me like that? You abandoned me."