An Act of Persuasion - By Stephanie Doyle Page 0,95
attentive? Haven’t we connected? We come home to this place together and you put your feet on my lap and I watch you eat more food than I ever thought a human could consume and we laugh and talk. Then we came to this bed and I made love to you and you came. Didn’t you?”
“Of course. Ben, you know I love that...with you. It’s just now—”
“I’m not talking about now—I know that it’s not comfortable, although I’m mad that you didn’t tell me sooner.” He knew he was sounding ridiculous but suddenly the distance she insisted on, his irritations were all there. She was with him. But not all the way. He was holding on to her, but she was still wiggling to get free.
“Okay, let me get this straight. You’re mad at me because I had sex with you.”
“I’m mad at you because you wouldn’t tell me what you wanted when you wanted it. Or in this case when you wanted it to stop. Since when did you decide to be polite...with me?”
“Ben, you’re crazy. Maybe the stress of everything is getting to you.”
He clenched his jaw and made his hands into fists. He felt like there was this dark monster sitting between her and him and he wanted to fight it. He wanted to take it apart with his bare hands. But stubbornness...or whatever her stubbornness was shielding wasn’t an enemy he could take on with his fists.
“It’s not the stress. It’s you. You’re holding back. You think I can’t feel it? You think I wouldn’t know?”
Her face grew even whiter then. “You—you said you didn’t know what love was so how would you know if I’m holding it back. Maybe I’m trying.”
Maybe she was. Maybe this was the most she could give him. Then why suddenly did he need more? It was nonsensical. She was right, maybe he was crazy. He couldn’t seem to shake this feeling that, as close as they’d grown, he was still losing her.
He couldn’t lose her. She had to love him.
“Maybe I don’t know what love is supposed to be but I think this is damn close. Isn’t it close, Anna? I mean, here we are living our lives together, enjoying each other and making plans for this new beautiful life that’s about to join us. Isn’t this what it’s supposed to be about?”
“I wouldn’t know,” she said quietly. “I’ve never had anything like this before. At least nothing that couldn’t be taken away.”
“Is that it? Is that what you’re afraid of? That I’m going to leave you? That I’m going to die? I can’t control that, Anna. That’s the chance you have to take. I had cancer. Right now it’s gone but I don’t know what the hell will happen in five years, or ten. You can’t live your life being afraid.”
“I’m not afraid!”
Her screech was so loud it made her denial ridiculous. He moved toward her then, trying to calm her with his tone. “Listen to me, Anna. We can do this. We can make this work. I’m an open book. Whatever I need to do for you to trust me I’ll do.”
He was close to her now. So close he could reach for her hand, but she yanked it away.
“An open book? Really?”
Her low tone confused him. He felt like a witness who had said the wrong thing on the stand and was about to be cross-examined. Then it occurred to him. The one thing he hadn’t told her. He knew he should have come clean earlier. Knew it was a risk to keep it from her.
Mark. The man was, unfortunately, too good at his job.
“What do you want to know Anna?”
“Why won’t you tell me about my parents?”
Then she didn’t know. Not everything. This was a very careful line he had to walk. Especially given how upset she was.
“What do you think I know and aren’t telling you?”
A harsh laugh escaped her throat. “And doesn’t that answer my question? I gave you that certificate almost four months ago. I’ve seen you take less time to divert an international crisis. You haven’t said a word about it and any time I ask you about it you change the subject.”
“Why is it so important for you to find them? Why are you looking to the past when the future is right in front of you?”
“I told you.” She looked away from him. “Having a family medical history only makes sense.”
“This isn’t about our baby’s DNA. This is about you,