An Act of Persuasion - By Stephanie Doyle Page 0,35
it. So all I could think about was the next step, the next round of treatment.
“Then one night, out of the blue, you’re sitting there with this massive erection and all of a sudden we’re doing it when I’ve wanted to do it with you for years. Then you don’t talk to me for days. Nothing about your health, certainly nothing about that night. Suddenly, you get this call and, oh, by the way, you’re doing this risky procedure that might kill you even faster. And about that night...it just sort of happened and you’re really sorry it did.” She paused. “I had to leave. Don’t you see? You left me no choice.
“Except four weeks later I’m peeing on a stick and, wow, I’m going to be a mother. I had to tell you about it. Then finally, finally after six years of holding it inside I spill my guts all over the place and tell you I love you. You say it’s not over and walk out and I’m, like, what the hell does that mean? And today, after twenty-two years of not caring I finally decided to find my parents. So, yeah, I’m right there with you.”
He stood and moved around the table to pull her into his arms. Hugging her like he hadn’t hugged anyone in a very long time.
She sobbed on his neck and he could feel the dampness seep through the short-sleeved polo.
“You did say massive erection. I heard that correctly, didn’t I?”
She laughed and hiccupped and then hit him on the shoulder. All the things he wanted to accomplish with that statement.
“I’m sorry I didn’t consider things from your perspective,” she said as she used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. “I can’t say I’m sorry I left you. Because I really felt I had to go, but I’m sorry for all the other stuff you went through alone.”
“Okay. That’s fair.”
“Ben.” She looked at him intently. “I don’t think I can do it. I mean, have sex with you. The first time it was too much. Too big. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did. I felt broken for weeks after and it took all my strength to get back to this place where I am. I’m not ready to go down that road...yet.”
And there it was: that small window of opportunity. Ben was suddenly in love with the word yet.
“I get it,” he said, stopping her from saying anything else, before she could think too much about it. He didn’t want to screw this up. He cupped her face in his hands. Her precious face that he’d missed so much. He ran his thumb over her cheekbone, then her lower lip.
Yes, he wanted her. But not now. Not after all this stuff that had been spewed about the room. Ben could feel how the emotions cluttered up the air. On both sides. But there was one thing he had to set straight. He wasn’t leaving her without her knowing what their future would look like.
“I said that I don’t know if I love you. But I do want you. Desperately. Like you said...maybe love is a choice. Well, then let me try.”
She shook her head, her cheek brushing against his palm. She was so damn soft. “Ben, you can’t force yourself to love someone. That’s not what I meant when I said you had a choice.”
“I know what you meant. You meant I have to believe it can exist before I’ll believe I can experience it. Fine. Then show me.”
“What do you mean?”
“We can date. Like any other couple. I want to take you out and get to know you not as a friend or an employee but as something else. I want to take you to dinners and movies and buy you flowers. Hope maybe I can impress you enough so you’ll let me and my massive erection back into your bed.”
She rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe I used the word massive. You’re never going to let me live that down are you?”
“Unlikely.”
“So we date.” She paused as if considering the idea. “With maybe the potential for sex. What if it doesn’t work out?”
He shrugged. “What if it doesn’t? You were ready to have a relationship based only on our shared parenting of the kid. If we date and it doesn’t work out, we’ll still have that.”
Her eyes narrowed a little. “You made me think you weren’t happy with that arrangement.”