were four inches long and its snout was the length of your arm. It could easily bite a man in half.
Five hundred and twenty people lined up to see the wolf, nearly double the amount that came for the turtle. People saved for weeks, and Jon raised the admission price to sixty cents. It was a bold move considering the disappointing reviews the turtle received, but in the end the gamble paid off.
520 times 60¢ was $312.00.
Monk’s cut was $78.00.
It was right around then that God’s People started getting organized.
And Jon came up with his cage-match idea.
* * *
Helga Whitman, the woman who first labeled Jon a hero, was Monk Town’s local Bible thumper. She was tall and gangly and her feet looked like snowshoes. Her knuckles were white and somehow bloodless looking; her hands were forever balled into fists. She had a husband named Dale, who had a face like a turnip and tragically bugged-out eyes. He acted like he wore the pants in the family, which, of course, he didn’t. But nobody cared one way or the other so nobody disputed it. The pair made a fine couple. He was stupid and she was obnoxious. And for Helga and Dale, the campaign against Jonathan’s zoo started at home.
They had three children: Betty, Bailey and Mandy. All of them were girls. All of them were as ugly as the back end of a cow; poor things never had a chance, really. At eight, ten, and eleven years of age, what the hell did they know about right and wrong and the lay of the land? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing.
They were the first to be recruited.
Next on the campaign trail was Walter and Ruth Huppert.
Walter had a face like a hamster and Ruth was so fat she made her own clothing. Everything she wore looked like a sack. The two of them combined weren’t bright enough to peel a bag of potatoes… and they had nine children. The youngest was two and the oldest was sixteen, and of course, the sixteen-year-old had two children of her own. Two boys. That made a total of thirteen people living under one roof.
Recruiting them was easy. Walter and Ruth were dumb enough to climb on a porcupine. And when they signed up, the family signed up too; they had no choice.
Next stop: Father Maloney.
Maloney was a quiet, peaceful man. He was a man of God who thought Jonathan was doing some interesting things at Town Pit. But that didn’t change the Church’s view of: no man shall play God, so when push came to shove, and Helga stuck the petition under his nose (with eighteen signatures, no less) Maloney sided with God’s People. He felt that he had no choice.
He also felt like moving to a different town.
War was brewing. It was easy to see.
With the Church in her pocket, Helga and Dale went door-to-door preaching the Lord’s word and hunting signatures. Some told them to piss up a rope. One couple laughed and one man tried to start a fistfight with Dale; most folk politely said they didn’t get involved in politics. However, there were a few that coughed up a signature, pledged their allegiance to the Lord and said, “I will not support Jonathan Weakley and his satanic rituals.”
Those poor unfortunate bastards thought it was the Christian thing to do.
Once Helga and Dale were done gathering signatures something strange happened, something nobody expected.
People choose sides.
Until then, a good chunk of the town didn’t care what Jon was doing. They heard stories and though it was interesting, but considering something interesting and pulling your ass off the couch are two different events.
That changed.
Now folks wanted to see what the fuss was about. And three weeks latter, when Jonathan showcased a twenty nine-foot gorilla, the zoo enjoyed its first sell out. The evening was a huge success. The beast was breathtaking; it looked like King Kong. Seven weeks later the zoo had its second sell-out showcasing a 560-pound wasp with clipped wings. A couple months later Jonathan enjoyed his third sell-out, showcasing a 1,900-pound rattlesnake. The forth sellout was a 9,000-pound grizzly bear. Then came the scorpion. Then came the wolf spider.
Helga was pissed. And ready for war.
* * *
As time marched on, August Monk grew very tired of God’s People. Every few days they came to his office complaining about Jon’s zoo and Satan and whatever seemed to be the hot topic of the day. Helga was always there, along with