is all there is, Zoya, perhaps forever. You must make adjustments. I won't leave you alone. I want to know you'll be well cared for.”
“Don't you care that I don't love him?”
Evgenia shook her head sadly. “It doesn't matter, Zoya. Not now. Marry him. I don't think you'll regret it.” But he's ugly, she wanted to scream … he's crippled and lame … but in her heart of hearts, she knew that none of those things would matter to her if she loved him. Life with Antoine would always be sad, it would always be less than she had wanted. And the thought of having children with him made her want to cry even harder. She didn't want his babies, didn't want him. She just couldn't.
“I can't.” She felt as though she were choking.
“You can. And you must. For me, Zoya … do it for me, before I die. Let me know that you are safe with a man who will protect you.”
“Protect me from what? From starvation? We're all starving here together. He can't change any of that. And I don't care. I would rather starve here alone than be married to a man I don't love.”
“Don't make up your mind, little one. Think about it. Give it a little time. Please … for me …” Her eyes begged and Zoya's streamed with tears as though her heart were broken. But the next morning, there were no tears. She spoke with Antoine first thing the next morning.
“I want you to know, without any doubt in your mind, that I won't marry you, Antoine. I want to forget this ever happened.”
“I can't do that. I can't live here with you like this, knowing how badly I want you.”
“You did before.” She was suddenly terrified they'd lose their boarder.
“That was different. You didn't know then, now you do.”
“I'll pretend you never said it.” She looked frightened and childlike again, and he smiled sadly at her.
“That doesn't work. Are you sure, Zoya? Can't you think about it for a while?”
“No. And I don't want to give you false hopes. I can't marry you. I won't. Ever.”
“Is there someone else?” He knew she had an American friend, but he had never thought it was serious between them.
“No, not like that. There is only a dream. But if I give up my dreams now, I'll have nothing. They're all I have left.”
“Perhaps things will be better after the war. Perhaps we could even get our own apartment.” His dreams were so small, and hers were still so much larger, as she shook her head, and this time he believed her.
“Antoine, I can't. You must believe me.”
“Then I'll have to move out.”
“Don't … please … I swear I'll stay out of your way. Grandmama will be heartbroken if you go-”
“And you, Zoya?” She stood watching him in silence. “Will you miss me?”
“I thought you were my friend, Antoine,” she said sadly.
“I am. I will always be. But I cannot stay here.” He had some pride left, but as he packed his things that afternoon, Zoya panicked. She begged him to stay, promising him almost anything but marriage. Without his contribution to the rent, and the food, they'd be even more desperate. “I can't help that” was his only answer. Evgenia even talked to him, assuring him that she would talk some sense into Zoya, but he knew better. He had seen Zoya's eyes and heard her words. And she was right. She couldn't marry a man she didn't love. She wasn't that kind of woman. “It's better that I go. I will look for another room tomorrow.”
“She's a foolish girl.” And Evgenia told her as much again that night. She was wasting her only chance at marriage.
“I don't care if I never get married,” Zoya answered with fresh tears. And in the morning when she got up, Antoine had left her a letter and taken his things and gone. There were three crisp bilk on the table and the letter wished her a happy life, and anchoring it down was the bottle of perfume he had given her for Christmas.
Evgenia sobbed when she saw it, and Zoya quietly put the three crisp bills in her pocket.
CHAPTER
20
The next two weeks were bleak in the apartment near the Palais Royal. The ballet was closed for three weeks, and despite their putting out the word through Vladimir, no new boarder appeared. Filled with grief over what Zoya had done, Evgenia seemed to have aged almost overnight, and although