Zenith in Love (Zenith Series #5) - Leanne Davis Page 0,93

help you if you deny the problem. Realize this, however, I will tell my daughter, word for word what we said here.”

The stress Jim felt was pushing down on his shoulders. It weighed too much to think about. It was so much easier when he had no one he felt close to. But that meant having no one. And while he wasn’t honest, open, or totally in sync with Kathy, at least she cared if he lived or died between the church services. Kayla was another story altogether. Too quickly he was drawn to her in every way. Now, the thought of never seeing her again made him feel hollow, sad, and tortured.

There was nothing interesting to do and no one to share his life with now. That was all that whispered in his brain on an endless loop. He lived like that for so long with only his scholastic career and later his pastoral duties to fill his time. They provided the only purpose and distraction he allowed to interrupt his total isolation otherwise. He had friends and colleagues, but no one close to him.

The times he chose to drink increased during those years. The loneliness, the darkness and the emptiness literally overwhelmed him. He was strangely disconnected from his own life. His prayers and old spiritual texts couldn’t dispel his sense that no one really cared if he lived or died. Perhaps a few devoted church members. But not really. No one knew him. Not the man. Not the human being.

Then Kayla entered his life.

He immediately felt grateful to rise up from the years of true emotional isolation in which he lived. Ever since he left the Zavarians. Being around Kayla, just in the short time he had with her, offered a life-changing discovery: he had never experienced true, honest, open intimacy. There was no one close to Jim.

Not a soul.

Kathy exposed Jim to a sliver of what it meant, but Kayla? Kayla offered Jim an entirely new way of being with someone, something he never expected. Or thought he wanted. But after one taste of it, the thought of losing that sensation, and Kayla specifically, gave Jim a dark, sinking sense of dread that crept up from his gut to his heart.

No. Not what he wanted in life. The thought of that was harder than facing Rob. His effort to discuss with Rob the one thing he never dared to admit to himself was more than difficult. He’d always lived alone. Even when having a roommate would have saved him money, he searched for an even dumpier place, no matter how small, because he preferred his own company. There was no one to hide his drinking from. Normally, the binges didn’t happen when he was expecting to work. Or if they did, he could easily cancel or miss plans. He never missed his Sunday sermons until he was floored by the extraordinary appearance of Jimmy.

He hadn’t meant to scare Kayla. She finally forced him to confess his entire life story to her. Something he never did before. Not like he could recall everything in chronological order. It was extremely screwed up when he laid it out for her. Judging by her reaction, her emotions at hearing it showed across her face and in her eyes. Shock, surprise, confusion, more shock. Then disgust, hurt, grief; everything was etched on her face. But Kayla didn’t react as the Zavarians did. Not for one moment did she have the expression they had. He’d have recognized it. Kayla was unaware of how closely he was watching her and monitoring her reaction. Especially when describing the true monster that Jimmy was, and admitting he knew. He ran away and hid from the truth.

Kayla did the opposite of the Zavarians. Imagine if they were like Kayla to Jim? Maybe he’d have stayed there longer. And what? Farmed? Worked out in the fields? Raised cattle? Become a granary worker with Dave? Maybe. It wouldn’t have been such a bad way to live.

But Jim loved being a pastor. It was the best part of his life, until he started hanging out with Kayla. Until he genuinely discovered that he liked, enjoyed, and had fun with her.

Maybe it was better this way. He found his calling, and seemed to make a true difference to people when he lectured and advised them.

Now, he was better. But when he was a kid? He’d felt betrayed by the Zavarians. Their lack of support or belief in him after they