Zenith in Love (Zenith Series #5) - Leanne Davis Page 0,56
times. You wanted me. Perhaps you better face that fact before you start casting your stones my way. I never denied who and what I am. Sex isn’t an issue. You have an issue with it, not I. You say one thing and do another. You’d grab me right now if not for my mother knowing you’re here. Your nostrils are flaring, your hands are clenching, and you can hardly stop yourself from grabbing me.”
He swallowed and glared at her.
She gave a small smile of victory. “Arguing with me turns you on like nothing else.”
“I did not come here for that.”
“No? Well, you still want me like that. Then why did you come here?”
His fists kept clenching and his jaw ticked with annoyance. His eyes were on fire with dark sparks flicking through them. Nothing was okay now.
“It’s always a mistake.”
“And yet you insist on making it. And I’m tired of being called a mistake. I’ve never been a mistake to anyone. Not one of my casual flings was as hurtful as when you dismissed me and said I’m not appropriate for you. Not right. Not what? Good enough? Pure enough? Moral enough? What, exactly, about me is lacking, Pastor Jim?” She sneered.
“It isn’t anything lacking. It’s expectations…”
“The expectations of people you see a few times a week. They don’t go home with you. They won’t ever be close enough to roll over and cuddle into on a cold night. They won’t let you be sad or mad or vulnerable. Or lazy and mundane. And they certainly won’t let you be a normal, functioning, sexual man. You aren’t just a pastor. And they aren’t what makes you be you. So quit using that as an excuse.”
“It isn’t their expectations. It’s mine. I have high expectations for myself. I can’t just turn them off because I got turned on one day.”
She sighed as she stepped back. “If you’re not here to talk about your insecurities, your problems, and your fears about returning to the church you nearly died in, then why are you here? You saw someone take a bullet for you and bleed out, so I’d certainly doubt your senses of morality and conscience if you weren’t struggling. Why are you being so difficult to me?”
His entire frame seemed to shrink an inch and he looked down towards the floor. “I have nothing to say. Not one damn word. I don’t want to say anything. Nothing at all.”
“I didn’t force you to come to me.”
He turned and started pacing. “No. I mean, I don’t know what to say to them. To the church and everyone involved. I just want to talk to you. Only you.”
Her heart tipped with joy. A moment earlier, she was prepared to kick him out of her life forever. Just one little explanation later and he had her back in his corner. He was clueless, infuriating, insulting… but so alone and oblivious that he was exactly what she needed. Carefully choosing her words, she finally said, “We talked about this. Quit being so mean to me.”
He stopped pacing and his arms flopped down at his sides. “I don’t want to be. It just comes out different than I think it will.”
“You’re pretty bad at it. I’ve been overly understanding about it. You have to stop. Figure it out. Decide why you came here. For me.”
“I know why I’m here.” He turned and flopped down where he started, sitting on the edge of her bed. Sighing, she went back to where she started, beside him.
“Why?”
“I feel like myself when I’m with you. Never with anyone else.”
Her heart swelled because she suspected that. “I think that’s true.”
“For you too?” He tilted his head and finally met her gaze.
“No. Not at all. I get along with my family and friends. Kathy and Eric. So no. But I get along with you too when you’re being nice. I feel different when I’m with you. It’s something more. That thing. Mutual attraction. Chemistry. Whatever makes something like this more than friendship. It’s not platonic or familial.”
“Yeah, that.”
“That.” She smiled. “Jim, back to where we started. Are you okay?”
“No. I had to meet with the staff and volunteers. I couldn’t bear to walk into the worship room. I lied and said I’d witnessed the improvements as it all went along. Then we went on with business as usual. But it’s not. It wasn’t.”