“Winnie!” Nigel was shouting now, shaking her. His hand came up and hit her across the face, hard enough to stun her out of the nightmare.
So she told him. Nigel had stopped yelling and was staring at her, his eyes so wide. She’d never seen him look that afraid.
“It was so cold, Nigel, he was suffering... I just wanted to help him.” She was trembling so hard her teeth knocked together. Nigel took a step away from her. “There was trash everywhere. I had to crawl to reach him—”
“Winnie... Winnie...” he said, breathless, interrupting her. “Is he dead? Is the baby dead?”
Her howls came from somewhere deep in her belly, raw and ugly, answering his question. Nigel grabbed his wife, pressed her face into his chest so that she would stop screaming.
“The car. It skidded on black ice. I had him in my sweatshirt.” She held a fist to the spot; she could still feel his heat against her, his tiny vulnerable body cradled to her chest. “I thought I could keep him warm that way. I was taking him to the hospital. The car skidded... I hit the barrier.” She raised three fingers to her hairline where her forehead had hit the steering wheel. There was blood, but only a trickle. “I think he died on impact, or I smothered him!” Her voice was hysterical.
Nigel grabbed her face, pinched it between his fingers and studied her with wild eyes.
“He’s dead. Oh my God!” She tore at her face, her nails ripping, but she could barely feel it.
“Winnie!” He shook her hard so that her head snapped back. “Did anyone see you take him?”
She shook her head, lips pressed together. “No, Jos—she was alone.”
“And the accident...?” His fingers bit into the flesh of her arms and she yelped.
“No one saw,” she sobbed. “You’re hurting me.”
“How do you know?” She could hear her teeth crack together as he rattled her like a doll.
“It was snowing! There was no one on the road.” She drew back, trying to pull herself from his hold, but he wouldn’t let go. “The car was still on so I drove home.”
“Where is it? Where is the body?”
“In the car.” She reached for his face and he pulled back, disgusted. “You have to bury him. She gave birth to him in a tent. She was a drug addict!” She screamed this last part into his face, spit landing on his cheek. He stared at her in disbelief.
“And that makes what you did okay? Fuck!” He pulled at his hair, shaking his head. “It’s not for us to decide. We have to go the proper route, tell the authorities...”
She could feel how labored his breathing was, could hear the thumping of his heart. Nigel was scared.
“No! Nigel, no. They’ll arrest me... I’ll lose my job. We can’t—please.”
Winnie clawed at his chest in panic. She never thought, not in a million years, that he would suggest turning herself in. She imagined herself in prison and let out a wail. Nigel grabbed her wrists, held them. She flailed, wanting to get away, but also wanting to be held until her hysteria passed.
“Stop it. Stop,” he commanded. She thought he was going to slap her again, but he didn’t.
“You killed it, Winnie. You stole a baby and you’re responsible for what happened to it after that.”
“It’s not an it, Nigel. It’s a baby boy.”
“Was!” he screamed so loudly Winnie stepped back, knocking into the fridge.
Nigel breathed through his mouth.
“A baby boy who belonged to someone else, someone who might one day come back looking for him.” In the pause that followed, Nigel dropped his eyes to the hollow at Winnie’s neck. He wouldn’t look at her. Turning away, she whimpered behind him, aware of the rejection.
“Nigel—please. I’m sorry.”
He spun on her so fast she covered her face like she was almost afraid of him.
“You’re sorry? You...you killed a child tonight! Because of your foolishness. Because nothing is ever enough.” And then he punched the wall beside her head, his hand beating through the plaster in one sharp jab. Winnie screamed and slid down the wall, her eyes closed and her hands flailing. She could see the hate in his eyes, feel it so profusely that in that moment she knew he’d never be able to come back from it.
“Please!” She grabbed the hem of his shirt, but he stepped away, ripping it from her hands. She gaped up at him, her mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out. For