She comes at me and gives me a hug with so much speed and strength that I am suddenly nostalgic for when I was young. There were times in my twenties, before I got married, when I felt as powerful and fresh and full of purpose as my youngest daughter looks. I smile down at her.
Lila slides out of my arms, and then I see Gracie. I try to control my look of surprise but fail miserably. I have not seen her since Easter. And yes, I know that I knew she was pregnant, but I was not expecting to see Gracie with a new body. Her belly is swollen. She looks like any pregnant woman walking down the street. Even her face is wider. She has curves everywhere. She looks nothing like the little girl who used to follow me around every weekend and inspire me to come up with stupid jokes just so I could hear her laugh. She doesn’t even resemble the fifteen-year-old girl I saw through the sliver of an open door. She looks like a stranger.
I pat her awkwardly on the arm. It seems as if a hug might hurt her.
“Gram’s going to be all right, right?” Gracie doesn’t meet my eyes.
“The nurses won’t let you in to see her,” Ryan says.
I don’t know where to look. I hope that we won’t have to stand out here and make small talk for long. I can’t think of a damn thing to say.
The door to Catharine’s room opens again and we all turn. A tall nurse stands in the doorway, caught in the early-morning sunlight. A jolt runs through me and I think, Thank you. It is Eddie Ortiz’s wife. I’ve found her.
A cough strangles deep in my throat, and Lila slaps me on the back. “You okay, dad?”
Gracie says to the nurse, “How is my grandmother?”
Eddie’s wife looks like everything I had hoped for: professional and capable and well in her white nurse’s uniform. Her long black hair is tucked up under her cap. I lean forward to get a look at the name tag pinned to her uniform.
Her voice is soft but firm when she addresses Gracie. “I’m Noreen Ballen. We’re about to take your grandmother down to surgery. She’s groggy, but you can spend a minute with her if you like.”
Lila, Gracie, and Ryan head through the open door. Past them, I glimpse Catharine, small and pale laid out against her pillow. The drugs seem to have taken away even the glimmer of her usual strength. She barely turns her head in the direction of her grandchildren.
“Will you be with her in the surgery?” I ask. I keep my eyes down and speak in a low voice. I don’t want Eddie’s wife to notice me, but I want to keep her here, near me, for just a few more moments. I don’t want to let her get away.
“No, I’m not a surgical nurse.” There is an abrupt silence. I keep my head down, even though I know Nurse Ballen has recognized me. “Mr. Leary?” she says, in a different voice. “My goodness, hello.”
“Hello,” I say, like an idiot.
“Are you . . . are you related to Mrs. McLaughlin?”
“She’s my mother-in-law.”
The woman standing before me looks dazed. “I was part of the prep team,” she says. “You can be sure she’s in fine hands. Dr. Slotkin is an excellent surgeon. And Mrs. McLaughlin seems to be very strong and alert for a woman her age.”
“I don’t know what her family will do without her,” I say.
She tilts her head to the side. I think, Eddie must miss the way she tilts her head. He must miss the way she stands, so straight up and down. He must miss the freckles on the backs of her hands.
“I’ve wanted to apologize,” she says, “for falling apart in front of you at the funeral.” Her face sags and then pulls back together. It is a horrible moment when her grief shows.
I should have walked away when I saw her walk out of Catharine’s room. It was cruel of me to stand here and think I could have a conversation with her. The sight of me has brought up what must be the most painful memory of her life. My goal over the last six months has been to alleviate this woman’s troubles, not add to them. I wonder if there is anything I can say to fix this.
“I’m sorry,” she says, her voice different. “I didn’t expect