care of themselves. They won’t fall apart if you put yourself first for once. You know, you could skip this Easter party entirely if you wanted to.”
I stare at him. Sometimes I envy Louis his family, which started out small and then disappeared. Other times I feel badly for his loss. But it is always clear that he has no idea what having a family really means. The ties that crisscross and bind and trip up my brothers and sisters and my mother and me are invisible pieces of thread to my husband. No matter how closely he looks, even when I push his nose right up against the glass, he does not see it. He does not understand.
I say, “Why are you picking a fight with me? You know I have to go to this party. You’re coming with me, right?” This is a question I would never have even thought to ask six months ago. Of course he would be coming with me. He’s my husband.
He shrugs. I don’t know how it’s possible, but his size is always a surprise to me. His shoulders are so wide, they completely block the back of the chair he is sitting on. “Of course I’m going to the party,” he says. “I’m sorry. I just had a strange day, and I shouldn’t take it out on you.”
“Strange how?”
“Vince Carrelli made me rearrange my schedule tonight to see him, and then he tried to tell me what my problems are. I swear to God, Kelly, I almost hit him.”
“Louis!” To hear him even suggest violence is shocking. It is completely out of character. “I’m sure Vince was just trying to be helpful. What did he say?”
He stands up and carries his plate to the sink. “I’ve been taking care of this guy since we were in the fourth grade. He was always picked on as a kid, and I stood up for him. I was the one who kept him from getting beaten to a pulp by his asshole cousin. I tutored him in math throughout high school. If I hadn’t talked him into buying that house by the town pool, he and Cynthia would have thrown away all their savings on rent. And then when he nearly drank himself out of a job this past year, I stopped the board from taking action against him. Jesus, Vince is a career fuck-up. He’s the last person I’d take advice from.”
I shake my head. “Well then, who will you take advice from? Who’s good enough to give you advice? Because you need some, Louis. You sleep on a coffee table every night. When is that going to change? What if people find out what’s going on here?”
He looks very tired, standing on the opposite side of the room. “I don’t mean to make you unhappy, Kelly. Everything is fine. This is only temporary. I’ll be better soon.”
“When is soon? And where do you go every afternoon?” What if he has fallen in love with someone else? What if he is having an affair?
“I never ask you where you go after work or on Saturday afternoons, do I? I trust you. I love you. All I’m asking is that you trust me, too. I’m going through something right now, but it will be fixed soon. Will you just trust me?”
I run my fingers through my new short haircut. It dried naturally in a matter of minutes this afternoon. I think the look will grow on me. It’s fine that my husband, who used to annoy me by noticing every little thing about me, didn’t notice this big change. He is not himself right now. I will cover for him until he comes back to his senses. I will make this household appear the same as always, our marriage unchanged, our habits untouched. I will stick myself in front of his line of vision every chance I get and remind him that I am still here and I am his wife. I can’t say that I trust Louis to pull through this on his own, but I do trust myself to hold everything together. As usual.
LILA
Gram, Gracie, Uncle Ryan, and I have been alone in the kitchen for nearly twenty minutes. Mom and Dad have disappeared somewhere. They’re probably fighting. The only one who has spoken—apart from “Will you hand me the sugar?” or “Is the oven at the right temperature?”—is Ryan, and he is not someone you can hold a conversation with. We have