echoed off the high walls. I had been expecting something about my walk, my inability to follow the thread of a conversation, the agonizing pauses as I fumbled for words: a deft, pitiless slice straight to the jugular that would leave me bloodied and reeling. In its place I had got a snippy little finger-wag about not being chatty enough and not eating my greens, and I was practically light-headed with relief.
“Today sucks,” I said, still laughing. “Like you said. I can’t be arsed making the effort to pretend everything’s great. If you can, away you go. I’ll watch.”
“Now that’s the Toby I know and love,” Leon said. There was an edge to his voice; he didn’t like being laughed at. “Leave the dirty work to everyone else.”
“I’m not making you do anything, dude. I’m just doing my own thing. Nothing wrong with that.” It came out so naturally, so exactly the way the old me would have said it, and the fast upward jerk of Leon’s chin made it so clear that I was getting to him, I couldn’t stop laughing.
“That’s bullshit,” he snapped. “Dude. Have you seen your eyes? Just because you can slip it past them”—toss of his head towards the house—“that doesn’t mean you’re actually doing an amazing job of hiding it. You’re off your tits on something.”
This made me laugh so hard that smoke went down my nose. I doubled over, hacking. “And you’re hysterical,” Leon said sourly, moving away from me. “Whatever you’re on—”
“Heroin, man. All the cool kids are taking it. You should really—”
“You know what would be great? If you would just shut up. Just finish your cigarette—my cigarette—and go inside and leave me alone.”
“Oh, here you are,” Susanna said, ducking surreptitiously out of the back door with a fast wary glance behind her. “Your dad’s singing ‘Raglan Road,’ Leon. I said I’d go find you guys, since obviously you wouldn’t want to miss that. I think it might take me a while, though. What’s so funny?”
“Toby’s lost his mind,” Leon said, grinding out his cigarette viciously under his heel. “What there was of it.”
“Jesus,” I said, catching my breath. My heart was skittering. “That was worth this entire shitty afternoon.”
“Thanks a lot,” Susanna told me. “You’ve been great company too.”
“The company’s been”—I was looking for scintillating, couldn’t find it—“gorgeous. Dazzling. But you’ve got to admit, given a choice of ways to spend the day, this comes right below a, a root canal.”
“Tell me you brought booze,” Leon said to Susanna. “I can’t face going back in there till I’ve had more drink.”
“I thought you had some. Hang on”—turning, eye to the crack of the door—“OK, it looks clear. I’m going in. If I get nabbed, you come get me, right? I’m serious.” She vanished back into the kitchen.
“Sorry about that,” I said. I was feeling a lot warmer towards Leon, and not just because he thought the only thing wrong with me was a few too many party favors. We hadn’t been close in a long time, not since we left school—new friends, widening social lives, plus he had come out and had made sure everyone noticed by going through an over-the-top phase of the kind of stereotypical drugs and clubs that definitely weren’t my scene, and we had never really made our way back from that—but there was something very heartening about the discovery that I could still push his buttons with practically no effort. “Just, for a second there it sounded like you thought I was banging up or something. It was beautiful.”
Leon lit another cigarette, without offering me one.
“It’s just painkillers. I still get the odd headache from the concussion. No big deal. I just didn’t feel like coping with today and a headache at the same time.”
“Whatever.”
“Did anyone else notice?”
He made a dismissive pfft noise. “Nah. Even if they did, they’ll just think you’re still shaken up. My mother says you need yoga classes to re-center your energy.”
That pulled a snort of laughter out of me, and after a moment he gave a reluctant half grin. “Wonderful,” I said. “I’ll be sure and ask her for recommendations.”
“Just be careful,” Leon said, glancing after Susanna and lowering his voice. The edge had gone out of his tone. “I had a friend who . . . well, anyway. All I’m saying is, whatever you’re taking, just because you get them from a doctor, that doesn’t mean they’re harmless little Smarties. Don’t get cocky.”