power of the pussy indeed. Marmalade would be horrified.
‘Help yourself to a pen,’ went on Gwendolyn, ‘and I want you to write down the characteristics that are important to you so the universe can recognize them and deliver what you’re looking for.’
‘How many characteristics does the universe need?’
‘As many as you like, poppet,’ she replied, flourishing a hand in the air like a flamenco dancer. ‘But the more specific the better. Don’t just say “handsome”. The universe needs clear instructions. Write down “has all his own hair”. Don’t say “athletic”. Say “goes to the gym once or twice a week”. Remember, it’s your list. Your wish list for the universe to answer.’
I wished she’d stop talking about the universe. I went quiet and blinked at my piece of paper. What to write? I couldn’t possibly take this seriously, but on the other hand, I had to write something to convince this nutter that I’d at least thought about it.
After twenty minutes of sighing, chewing the biro, nearly swallowing the little blue stopper at the end of the biro, laughing to myself, closing my eyes and shaking my head before sighing again, I’d come up with a few suggestions. I totted them up and felt uneasy. That was fifteen. I needed one more to make it even. I gnawed the end of the biro once more and thought of a final addition.
THE LIST
–LIKES CATS.
–INTERESTING JOB. NOT GOLF-PLAYING INSURANCE BORE LIKE HUGO.
–BOTTOM AND SEXUAL ATHLETICISM OF JAMES BOND.
–NICE MOTHER.
–NO POINTY SHOES.
–NO HAWAIIAN SHIRTS.
–NO UMBRELLAS.
–READS BOOKS. NOT JUST SPORTS BIOGRAPHIES.
–NO REVOLTING BATHROOM HABITS. E.G. SKID MARKS.
–AMBITIOUS.
–ADVENTUROUS.
–GOOD MANNERS. E.G. SAYS THANK YOU IF SOMEONE HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN FOR HIM.
–ISN’T OBSESSED WITH INSTAGRAM OR HIS PHONE.
–FUNNY.
–ACTUALLY TEXTS ME BACK.
–DOESN’T MIND ABOUT MY COUNTING.
I handed the piece of paper to Gwendolyn who inspected it while I checked my watch. In twelve minutes, I could go home for supper, whatever it was. Eggs again? Could one overdose on eggs?
‘Well,’ said Gwendolyn, looking up. ‘You clearly listened to what I said about being specific. This line about James Bond, for instance…’
I spread my hands in mock innocence. ‘You said it was a wish list. So I thought, why not? If I can truly put down any bottom I wanted, why not go for his?’
The corners of Gwendolyn’s mouth tightened as she glanced back at the list. ‘What’s wrong with umbrellas?’
‘Not very manly,’ I said. I had a thing about this. Hugo never left the house without his umbrella. It seemed fussy and faint-hearted; you’d never catch Mr Rochester or Rhett Butler faffing about with an umbrella.
‘And you want someone who’s both ambitious and adventurous?’
I nodded. Ambition was to guard against the sort of man whose dreams stopped at ‘golf club membership’ and someone with a spirit of adventure might encourage me to be braver, to venture further afield than south London.
‘Fine,’ she went on, ‘but you could jot down a few more personality characteristics. What about kindness, or generosity? And does he want children?’
‘I don’t know,’ I replied, because I didn’t know. I had to find a boyfriend first and that seemed hard enough.
‘And what’s this about your counting?’
‘Nothing,’ I said quickly. ‘Just a… weird thing I do. Like a tick. I count things. In my head.’
‘Hmmmm,’ mused Gwendolyn, narrowing her eyes at me as if I was the oddball in the room. ‘Well, what I’d like you to do is some deeper work over the next week or so. Really think about this list and finesse it.’ She held the piece of paper back out.
‘All right,’ I replied, taking it from her. ‘And then what? Do I need to find some sort of cauldron and burn it?’
‘You are naughty!’ said Gwendolyn, grinning and clapping her hands to her thighs. ‘No, darling, just leave it somewhere safe so you can come back to it at our next appointment.’
‘What next appointment?’
‘Your stepmother booked a package. Did she not tell you? We have another three to go.’
I exhaled. Three more sessions in this Pepto-Bismol room. Three more interrogations with this giant fairy. But how to reply? I could hardly say, ‘Absolutely not, I’d rather skip naked through the streets of London.’
She reached into her dungaree pocket and pulled out her phone. ‘Let’s see… I always think it best to allow at least a week between the first and second appointment, to allow you enough time to think about your list. So what about two weeks’ today? Same time? There’s a new moon that night so it’s wonderful timing.’