‘Sorry, darling, so much to catch up on. And it was good. Not much to report. Beer, strippers, the usual.’
‘Strippers?’
‘Got you! No, no strippers. Just beer, and tequila, and some god-awful club I can hardly remember. But it was fun. He’s not that bad, you know, your future brother-in-law.’ He turned to kiss me on the cheek before looking back at his screen. ‘Can you give me, five, maybe ten minutes to get through these and then I’m all yours.’
We had sex on his sofa as soon as he’d finished. Wordlessly, he placed his laptop on the floor and put his hand under my chin to tilt my face towards his. I was so hungry I almost protested to say could we eat and chat first, but then I felt my body respond to his touch. It was hunger of a different kind. Women are often accused of using sex as a weapon, a devious ploy, but Rory could do it too. He was like a sex wizard, I thought, which almost made me laugh into his mouth. But then his hand slipped under my T-shirt and I gasped instead. I just had to keep my eyes open throughout so Zach didn’t appear in my head again. But that was all right, right? That was normal?
My Christmas pudding costume was absurd. I looked more like the turd emoji. The brown felt hung like a sack around me while on my head was a brown hat with a red felt berry stitched on top of it.
I stepped out of the way as the loo door opened and Eugene emerged in a green and red suit, with a pair of green booties that curled at the toe.
‘Paaahahaha, you look ridiculous!’ I said, reaching to jingle the bell on the top of his pointy hat.
‘Stop it,’ he said, batting me away. ‘What am I supposed to do with these?’ He held out a pair of large plastic ears.
‘Put them on.’
He sighed and stepped in front of the mirror. ‘Rory coming tonight?’
‘Nope, he’s got work.’
Eugene tutted. ‘That’s a pity.’
‘Not really. Would you fancy this?’
He turned to look at me. ‘No. Not even if you were the last Christmas pudding on earth.’
‘Exactly. And also it’s always weird between him and Zach. Easier if they stay apart.’
Eugene tutted again in the mirror as he fiddled with his ears. ‘So stupid. It’s just jealousy.’
‘What’s Rory got to be jealous of? Literally nothing.’
He caught my eye in the mirror.
‘What? He hasn’t! Zach is my boyfriend and Rory’s my colleague. It couldn’t be clearer.’
‘You mean Rory’s your boyfriend and Zach’s your colleague?’
‘Yes,’ I snapped, ‘obviously that’s what I meant.’
‘Knock, knock, can I come in?’ said Zach from outside the bathroom.
‘Course,’ I replied, shooting a warning glance at Eugene.
He opened the door and both Eugene and I burst out laughing. If possible, Zach looked even sillier than us. His face and a couple of stray black curls poked out from a small hole in a white-felt costume that was too short for him. It covered his head and ran down his body, stopping just below his knees so his jeans and Doc Martens stuck out underneath. On his nose was a fake carrot.
‘You guys look great! Hottest Christmas pudding I ever saw.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, blushing before flapping my arms. ‘It’s literally quite hot. Shall we go up?’
He nodded and we headed for the shop floor where the world’s grumpiest Father Christmas was sitting in his chair, one leg over the other while his boot jiggled irritably in the air.
‘Norris!’ said Eugene, ‘I’ve been a very good boy, can I have a present?’
Norris paused and glanced at us and I saw a smile twitch at the corners of his mouth before he erupted with a big belly laugh. ‘Zachary, I don’t know why I allowed you in this place. How’s being dressed like the cast of a pantomime going to help anything?’
‘Less of the defeatism, please, Santa.’ Zach waddled around the shop, his legs restricted by the white felt, checking that everything was in order. Behind the till was an urn, warming the wine. Eugene had laid out glasses and two trays of Lidl mince pies on a table next to it.
‘Sack ready?’ Zach asked Norris. It was propped against his armchair. I’d spent all afternoon wrapping crap presents in tissue paper – small bouncy balls, novelty pencils, plastic yo-yos, dinosaur keyrings and neon putty that looked extremely poisonous.