bag and I wiped my mouth. Then I wondered why we were in a gale; my hair was blowing around my face with individual strands sticking to my wet lips. Ruby later told me that the smell was so vile the driver insisted on winding down all four windows, even though it was near freezing that night. Also, when we finally got home, apparently Hugo tried to give me a fireman’s lift upstairs but was too weak and had to sit down after one flight. Ruby and Mia took over: one at my feet, the other’s hands under my armpits while I burbled another round of ‘Happy Birthday’ until they swung me into bed. Still, it had been a happy birthday in the end. Much happier than I expected. Less happy for Mia, though, since her Uber rating dropped two stars as a result.
‘Bzzzzzzz,’ went the giant bird. ‘Bzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzz.’ We were in thick green undergrowth and its giant beak was about to snap off my head. ‘Bzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzzzz.’ I stumbled on a vine and waited to be engulfed. Oh no, this was it. Well, I’d had a good innings. Life hadn’t been bad to me. There’d been friends, family, Marmalade, a job in a bookshop. The image of Dad’s face briefly flashed before me as I felt the beak widen over my head and I felt bad that this would embarrass him in the papers: ‘Ambassador’s daughter eaten by giant bird.’ But there were worse ways to go. ‘Bzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzz.’ I braced for the end and… Ah.
The buzzing was the doorbell and the pain in my head was an ache so bad I wasn’t sure I could move. Could I move? I flexed my fingers under the duvet, then tried my toes. They were all right. What about my arm? Nope, shifting my arm intensified the pain in my head. It was as if my brain was trying to burst free from my scalp. Water. Painkillers. I flapped at my bedside table and knocked my water glass to the carpet. Fuck.
Bzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzz. The doorbell went again. Where was Mia? Where was Ruby? They were closer to the front door than me. I needed immediate medical attention. I opened the drawer of my bedside table and found a packet of Nurofen, staggered to the bathroom and lowered my mouth to the cold tap.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I stood up and swallowed the pills, then hit my head on the glass shelf attached to my mirror. Who was being such a dick this early on a Saturday morning? I reached for my dressing gown and knotted it as I went downstairs. If it was someone selling tea towels, fish or God, I would breathe on them as punishment.
Bzzzzzzzzzz, it went yet again as I reached the hall. Jesus, the hall stank. What was that?
My eye fell on my rucksack, lying under the coat stand, and I felt confused. I had the vague sensation that something bad had happened to that bag. Why was it down here and not upstairs in my bedroom? Where was my phone, come to think of it? But as I got closer to it, the smell intensified. I leant over it to open it and— oh Jesus no! No, no, no. Back away from the rucksack. Do not disturb the rucksack. The rucksack had turned evil overnight.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
‘All right, all right, I’m coming,’ I said, pulling the chain off the door. ‘Zach!’
He was standing on the doormat with a cardboard box but threw his head back and barked with laughter when he saw me.
‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I was looking for Florence Fairfax but I seem to have come to the house of her elderly grandmother. Do you know where I might find her?’
‘Don’t make me laugh,’ I said, putting my palms to the side of my head. ‘It hurts. What are you doing?’
‘Can I come in?’
‘Er, yeah but I should warn you tha—’
‘What is that smell?’ he said, stepping past me into the hall.
‘Never mind,’ I said quickly. ‘Coffee?’
‘Yes, please,’ he said, making for the kitchen. ‘I’ve brought you some croissants.’
‘How many croissants do we need?’ I said, glancing back at his box. ‘There must be hundreds in there.’
‘This does not contain anything edible,’ he said, placing the box gently down on the kitchen table.
‘What is it then?’
‘Have a look,’ he said with a wide grin.
I narrowed my eyes at him and reached for the top.
‘Careful,’ he said, more seriously.
I lifted one flap, then the other and my hands flew back