Wings of the Walker - CoraLee June Page 0,79

He ran a handful of water through his short brown hair, and droplets trickled down his face. Once he was done, he made his way over to me and slipped under the frost-colored covers after turning off the lamplight. I sent up a whisper of thanks for the dark which concealed my blush and the look of longing on my face.

“Did you have a good birthday, Ash?” Patrick whispered into the darkness as I turned away from him. The electric tension between us charged the air with static making it feel heavy.

“It was perfect. It was my first true birthday party, aside from my mini rendezvous with Josiah.”

Patrick stilled, and only the sounds of his deep breaths could be heard throughout his room. I instantly regretted mentioning Josiah. I was always ruining these moments.

“It's okay to talk about him,” he ambivalently assured. “I’m actually thankful for the bastard. He might be a deranged, bratty psycho, but he showed you kindness in Galla. Without him, I might not have had the chance to meet you.” It was dark throughout the room, but I imagined Patrick forcing a smile. He was always the one trying to make me feel better. Patrick perpetually looked for the positive in a situation.

“Thank you for my bracelet,” I whispered, feeling desperate to change the subject.

“It was Huxley’s idea, you know.” I sensed that there was more he wanted to say as he shifted to get comfortable. “Don’t hurt him, Ash,” Patrick finally said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” he began slowly, “I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve never seen him fight so hard against something. I’ve never seen him be thoughtful or happy , even,” Patrick rushed out, and I wondered if we were talking about the same person.

“Huxley is–” I began.

“Huxley is challenging. He’s moody and a pain in the ass. All my life, I just wanted him to be happy. I’d give him anything, except . . .,” Patrick trailed off.

“Except what?” I prodded .

“Except lately I’m feeling particularly selfish, which means I’m going to have to leave it up to you to not do the hurting, because at this point, it’s inevitable that I’m going to,” Patrick replied cryptically.

I wondered about Patrick and Huxley’s relationship and how draining it must be to feel so responsible for one another. That sort of anguish and misguided intent was a breeding ground for resentment. I just didn’t know how to fix it for them, or even if I could. I was already struggling with my attraction to each of the guys. If what Patrick said was true, that Hux had changed since meeting me, was I going to put a deeper wedge between them?

“Lately I just feel so wrong, Patrick,” I said. Patrick’s firm hand landed on my shoulder and gently pulled me until we were facing one another. His hot minty breath hit my face, and every nerve ending in my body went wild with sensitivity. The cold sheets on his bed suddenly felt heavy, and I squirmed under the weight of his proximity.

“What feels wrong, Ash?” he asked quietly, and I heard the hint of a tremor in his voice. I didn’t want them to think it was them that was wrong. It was me. My wants. My conflicting thoughts. My desires.

“When I first arrived in Dormas, I was so in love with Josiah. My feelings for him eclipsed everything,” I began while briefly remembering the lovesick Walker from Galla with disdain. “But now, I’m not sure. I’m feeling conflicted. I still have affection for Josiah—he’s been in my life for as long as I can remember—but for the first time, I love myself more." My words felt rushed and heavy on my tongue. “And I know I'm supposed to be like a sister to you all, but I'm struggling to make my heart commit to that sort of relationship. This doesn't feel sisterly. I can’t stand feeling like I’m going to ruin everything.” Admitting the troubled thoughts that had plagued me made my voice shake at the truth of them.

There was a time that I thought loving someone from afar would be enough. I was comfortable knowing that I would never be good enough for Josiah. It was a mentality ingrained in me by my birthright. I took every last scrap of happiness thrown my way and was thankful for it.

But now? I wanted it all. I wanted to claim my life for my own. I didn’t want to settle for lingering looks