‘Mum,’ I cry, watching, totally horrified, as she eats Paul alive. ‘Oh God.’ I help myself to the bottle of limoncello and pour another, throwing it back, then immediately another, anything to keep me busy. I come up for air and find she’s still at it, so I carry on downing the sweet stuff like it’s going out of fashion, hoping it might scrub my brain at the same time. Oh my days, this is too much. Trying to accept that she’s found a new lease of life is one thing, even if I’m struggling like hell. Watching her gobble the face off that new lease of life is a whole different story.
I’m all out of limoncello.
‘Mum, please.’
It takes Paul to detach my mother from his shirt and push her back onto her stool, and she doesn’t make it easy for him. ‘Sorry, Eleanor.’ Paul laughs, a little embarrassed. I want to run away but lurking outside is another brain burner.
I signal to a bottle of limoncello behind the bar, but quickly snatch my hand back, thinking I could do with something even stronger. ‘Actually, give me a Jäger.’
Paul fulfils my request quickly, sliding it across the bar saloon-style. I catch it accurately and throw it back, gasping. ‘Perfect.’ I cough, wiping my mouth. I just want to get absolutely shit-faced and forget . . . everything.
‘I’m not sure getting blind drunk is such a good idea, darling,’ Mum pipes up. ‘He looked like he wanted a serious talk.’
I laugh loudly and point to my glass again. Paul obliges, and after I’ve downed another shot, I flop forward and let my forehead meet the bar. Hard. Then I lift and let it fall back down again and again, taking pleasure from the consistent thuds shuddering through my brain. I’m hoping to physically knock some sense into me, because there’s a man waiting outside and I’m having to lock down every muscle in order to stop them from engaging and taking me to him. It’s like a bizarre magnetic pull hauling me backwards, and it defies everything my pounding head is telling me.
I let loose with a few more head thwacks on the bar, causing an audible bang each time, which I’m sure Becker can probably hear from outside the pub.
‘Eleanor,’ Mum cries, pulling me back up and checking my forehead. I let my body sag on the stool while she faffs all over me. Then she takes my chin and holds it firmly. ‘Now, then. Enough of that,’ she says, jiggling my face a little, probably because my eyes are wandering through drunkenness. ‘Paul, water, please,’ she orders as I blink rapidly. ‘Here.’ Mum tips a glass to my lips, and I gulp it all down ravenously, joining her in the urgency to cancel out the alcohol that I’ve just purged on. What was I thinking? Getting drunk would be stupid. I’m better than this recklessness. I pause for thought. Am I really? After all, recklessness got me in this mess in the first place.
I take my palms to my cheeks, rubbing furiously before revealing my face to Mum. ‘How do I look?’
‘Drunk,’ she says on a laugh, brushing my hair from my face. ‘How do you feel?’
‘Drunk.’ I grab another water and chug it down.
‘You’ve had eight minutes.’ Paul looks down at his watch and taps the screen. ‘You’ve spent eighty per cent of the time he’s given you trying to get blind drunk and the remaining twenty trying to sober up. I don’t fancy your chances.’ He passes a tequila over. ‘If you’re unconscious, he can’t make you talk, right?’
I gasp at his genius idea and swipe up the glass, but it’s intercepted by my mother. Traitor. ‘No more,’ she snaps, shooing Paul away.
Paul holds his hands up in surrender. ‘Sorry, Eleanor. I tried.’ He’s well and truly under the thumb. Pussy.
‘It’s fine,’ I grumble as I stand, surprisingly stable. ‘I’m fine.’ I drink in air and take a quick glimpse around the pub, noting that everyone is back to chatting and dancing. ‘I’m fine.’ I breathe in and out, in and out, in and out. ‘I’m really fine.’ Head first, Eleanor. Ignore your stupid heart.
‘One minute left, Eleanor,’ Paul calls, and I start to tremble, because one thing I know for sure, beyond all things I know for sure, is that Becker Hunt will be coming to get me if I don’t go out there. I’ll show strength. He won’t break me down.