I was hurting so much more than anything physical could inflict.’ My heart melts, but I don’t interrupt his flow. ‘I knew I loved you at that point. It had to be love, because I know it’s the only thing in this world that hurts so badly. When I lost my mum and dad, the pain paralysed me.’ He clenches his eyes shut for a split second, his head tilting back. ‘Jesus, Eleanor, I never wanted to feel like that again, and when you ran away, I did. And I realised, unlike my parents’ death, it was my fault. I was inflicting the pain on myself.’
I move into him quickly and circle his waist, hugging him tightly. ‘Stop it.’ I order, feeling his arms come around me and cling on desperately. ‘Just . . . stop.’
‘No, you need to know, because I feel like I’m going fucking mad.’
‘You’re not going mad,’ I placate him, doubting myself. I must be going mad, too. The things I know, the things I’ve accepted. I’ve surprised myself. No. Surprised is the wrong word. Shocked. I’ve shocked myself.
‘I must be, Eleanor,’ Becker says. ‘I can’t focus on much except you, and that’s not wholly a good thing.’
‘Why?’ I try my best not to sound affronted. I can’t focus on much either, but I’ve seen it as a good thing. Something so powerful, it helps accept all the other shit.
‘Because I might get myself into trouble.’
This makes me smile. ‘I feel the same,’ I offer, hoping he appreciates that. Keeping my claws to myself is proving harder and harder.
Becker forces me away and holds me by my arms, gazing down at me. ‘Are you going to stay now?’ He pushes out his bottom lip cheekily.
‘Pick up your lip. I’ll stay.’ He doesn’t need to know that I spotted Alexa and changed my mind.
‘Super.’
He takes my hand and leads on, and when we breach the entrance of the main room, I spy Lucy and Mark seated at a table, both laughing like drains.
Becker swings into gracious action, giving Mark a slap on the shoulder and Lucy a kiss on the cheek. He helps me to my seat next to Lucy before taking the one on the other side of Mark.
‘You okay?’ Lucy stops a waiter as he passes and grabs a glass of champagne, thrusting it at me. I’m eternally grateful. Accepting keenly, I savour the taste as I glance around, feeling an icy glare stabbing at my back, and though it’s obvious who it’s coming from, I can’t see where who is hiding.
I sigh, rolling my shoulders as I lean back, but relaxing when I’m constantly on the lookout for Alexa isn’t easy. She’s made it clear what her game is. I’m mentally kitting myself out in body armour as I sit here stewing, set for battle. I peek around the room again.
‘Who are you looking for?’ Lucy asks, coming in closer, leaving the boys behind her chatting and laughing.
‘Alexa.’
‘Who’s Alexa?’
‘My equivalent of your printer-room girl. Except bitchier. And more conniving.’
‘Oh,’ she breathes, taking a glimpse round the room. ‘Hey, is that her?’
‘I don’t know. I can’t look.’
‘Well, she’s spitting nails this way, so I guess it is. Blonde, perfect legs.’
‘That’s her.’
‘What is it with perfect fucking legs?’ Lucy asks. ‘I hate her.’
‘Who is she with?’
‘Mature woman. Red gown with fur.’
‘That’s the countess. Her aunt. Also a fan of Becker’s.’
‘Nice.’ Lucy knocks my knee, turning into the table, and I join her, pushing back thoughts of Alexa and what game she’s playing. ‘It’s a bit swanky, isn’t it?’ She lifts her glass and swishes her champagne, looking around.
‘Yes, some seriously posh shit,’ I quip, and she chuckles. ‘Do you feel out of place?’ I ask, hoping it’s a big fat yes. I feel really out of place. I could do with a friend to join me there.
‘Nah.’ She downs her drink and moans her pleasure. ‘These aristocratic humpty-dumpty pillocks don’t intimidate me. Money can’t buy you happiness, Eleanor. Under all of these couture dresses and precious gems are a bunch of unfulfilled miserable bitches.’ She grins. ‘I wish I had gone for tits and legs.’
I laugh loudly and chink my glass with her empty. I’m so glad she’s here keeping me grounded.
Chapter 33
Dinner is pleasant. We share a table with some people who Becker knows through business – more hoity-toity old farts – and chat enthusiastically about the trade. After we eat, Mark and Lucy excuse themselves to go explore Countryscape, and Becker shifts across to