bed too small for two people and laid there silently until sleep took us both. I had stared at the wall for hours, listening to the change in his breathing as he fell asleep, wondering how I should confront him, or if I should confront him at all. After all, I had given him permission. I hadn’t said no. And it wasn’t as though the sex wasn’t good, because oh, God, it was. But I couldn’t help but be disappointed that our first time hadn’t been more meaningful, more romantic, more … more … Just more.
And so much less of what it was.
Now, the moment of confrontation was here, and bloated butterflies moved sluggishly around my stomach. Still in my dress from the day before, I exited the bathroom and walked through the small apartment, stepping over strewn papers and broken glass, until I reached the kitchen. There I found Vinnie, shirtless and picking the Keurig up off the floor.
Not yet knowing what to say, I reached down to pick up the salt and pepper shakers, cooking utensils, and the plastic container they’d been kept in, until Vinnie cleared his throat and asked, “So, um … coffee?”
“Sure,” I replied in an awkward whisper.
After plugging the machine in and grabbing a couple of mugs from the cabinet, he set to work, silently brewing, and pouring, before handing me one steaming cup.
“Thanks.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
He walked past me, and I followed him with my eyes as he moved into the living room, shoving some things out of the way before sitting on the couch with an agitated groan. Slowly, I trailed behind, approaching him with caution like he was a wild animal. Unpredictable and formidable. I hated feeling like this. I couldn’t stand that I loved him and feared him all at the same time. I couldn’t stand not knowing what he was thinking and not knowing what to say or do, when all I wanted was to hug him and tell him it would all be okay. But really, what the hell did I know? What I do in my life had never taken me this far. I didn’t know what happened to the families, after the funeral and the dead were buried and had crossed over.
I felt helpless.
Sitting down at the edge of an overstuffed recliner, I clutched my mug between both hands and said, “Do you—”
“Andy.”
I swallowed. “Yeah?”
His eyes, ringed in dark circles and trouble, lifted to meet mine. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
It felt like enough that he began the conversation and not me. So, I shook my head to force a smile. “Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.”
“No,” he replied, firm and sincere. “Do not tell me that this,” he gestured out toward the living room and its disheveled state, “is fine. What happened last night wasn’t fuckin’ fine. I’m not …” He groaned, shaking his head and shoving a hand forcefully into his hair. “I don’t do that type of shit, okay? I’m not that kinda asshole. I shouldn’t …” Sighing, ragged and defeated, he dropped his hand between his spread knees. “I never should’ve done that to you, Andy. And I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
“You were upset.”
Furrowing his brow, he shook his head. “That doesn’t give me the fuckin’ right to be a piece of shit!”
Tearing my gaze from his, I shrugged halfheartedly, not knowing what to say.
Then, he asked, “Did I hurt you?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m … I’m okay.”
He was quiet. Breathing evenly and biting his thumbnail as he looked out into the living room. I wanted to know what he was thinking but I didn't think I should ask, when he said, “I gotta clean this shit up.”
Without another word, he stood up and began to pick things up from off the floor, and I helped. Picture frames, floor lamps, throw pillows. It was amazing that such a mess could be made in such a relatively short period of time, almost as if it had been done intentionally. And Vinnie confirmed just as much when he said, “Pops would've been so pissed if he was here to see this.”
I managed a smile. “He didn't like things messy?”
“Hell no.” He surprised me with a laugh. “We didn't have a whole lot growin' up but he was a firm believer in taking pride in what we did have.”
“Smart man,” I commented quietly, and Vinnie's smile faded as he replied, “Yeah, he was.”
***
Together, we cleaned the place up, and while it was tense, I found a comfort I