he asked me to go some party and I said no, I was having an early night. He’s stopped trying to be in touch in the last week, so I suppose he got the message.
Once again I’m completely alone, but I’m not going to feel sorry for myself. I chose this. It’s no more than what I deserve. It’s what Dylan deserves.
I clutch the pillow more tightly to my chest, just as someone hammers on the front door.
“Beth! Beth! I know you’re in there.”
I stiffen in shock, because it sounds like Ally, but it can’t be. She’s meant to be at court, and she doesn’t even know where I live.
“Beth!” She’s shrieking my name, and I hear Angela’s door open upstairs.
“Is everything all right?” she calls down in her wavery voice, and I get up from the sofa.
When I open my door, Ally is on the landing, explaining to Angela that she needs to talk to me. Angela is, predictably, looking confused, but she brightens when she sees me.
“Beth! I was going to come see you today. You’ll never guess what happened.” I can’t summon so much as a look of interest, but Angela continues on blithely regardless. “I received a letter from my daughter yesterday! She wants to see me again. Isn’t that wonderful?”
For a second, Angela’s obvious joy pierces my own numb despair. “That’s great, Angela.” I do my best to smile. “Really great.”
Angela smiles and waves before going back inside, and I turn to Ally, my voice full of accusation.
“You’re meant to be in court.”
Her mouth drops open as she goggles at me. “You’re the one meant to be in court.”
I shake my head, both frustrated and furious that she’s deviating from my plan. Since when has she ever thought to check up on me? “Why are you here? How do you even know where I live?”
“Dylan showed me.”
“Dylan?” I crane my neck to see past her, hoping for one more glimpse of my boy. “Is he here?”
“Nick took him to school.”
I deflate, and then I turn around and head back inside. Ally follows me.
“You don’t have much time,” she says briskly. “You’re due at court at nine—”
“Eight-thirty,” I say flatly. “It’s too late, Ally.”
“It’s not,” she retorts. “If you get dressed right now. I’ll drive you, Beth. You can do this.”
I shake my head slowly. “No.”
Ally looks at me in bewildered exasperation. I know she doesn’t understand at all; she thinks I’m just being the kind of deadbeat she suspected I was all along. “Why not?” she demands. “Beth, why on earth not?”
I didn’t want to have this conversation, forced and difficult. I wanted Ally to take Dylan on naturally, to realize slowly and rightly that he belonged with her and her family. I never expected her to hunt me down.
“Beth.” She sounds like a school teacher.
“He’s better off with you.”
She stares at me, blankly, as if I was speaking a foreign language. “What?” she finally says, shaking her head. “No.”
“He’s happier there. He loves you and your whole family—”
“Beth, this was only ever meant to be temporary.”
“So you’d refuse to take him?” This was what I was afraid of. “You wouldn’t adopt him?”
Ally sinks onto the sofa next to me, still shaking her head. “That’s not the point.”
“It is. You can’t deny he’s better with you, Ally. You’re able to give him so much more than I can. Sometimes I think he already loves you more than he ever loved me.”
“That is not true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Where is this coming from?” Ally asks after a moment, still sounding bewildered. “Because all along you’ve been so determined to get him back, and that’s the right choice, Beth. I know it is.”
I don’t want to explain about the psychiatric evaluation, and so I simply reach for the sheets of paper and hand them to her silently.
Ally scans them for a few seconds, her breath coming out in a quick, disbelieving exhale, before she shakes her head yet again. “This is—”
“The professional’s opinion.”
“Why,” Ally asks as she puts the papers down, “do we so often blame mothers for their children’s choices?”
“Dylan’s behavior wasn’t his choice.”
“I know, but…” Ally sighs and then turns to me. “Look, Beth, we don’t have a lot of time to hash this out. We needed to be leaving five minutes ago, so I’ll just say this. Every mother in the world makes mistakes. And most mothers—you most definitely included—do the best they can. And that is all a child ever needs.”