sleeping with Nassakth, but I should probably get blankets so I don’t plaster myself to him and give him the wrong impression. At this point, I’m not even sure what the wrong impression would be. I’m so confused. I told him I wanted a platonic marriage, and then the next thing I know, I’m rubbing myself all over him, kissing him, and telling him to touch me.
It’s not his fault that he did just as I asked and I freaked out.
I head to the kitchen and start to make breakfast. I’ve noticed that Nassakth likes meat with all his meals and so I put aside the sweeter breakfast noodles I top with jitai jam and make some salty askri noodles instead, cutting up slabs of meat to fry with the noodles in a pan. The task clears my thoughts and helps me concentrate, and I pick through my feelings about last night.
It’s my fault things went like they did. I encouraged the kissing, and god, I really liked all that kissing. It had been different, but not in a bad way. He’d been so gentle and considerate that all the parts of me that had felt frozen for so long were unthawing, and I’d fallen into the moment and wanted more.
I asked him to touch me, and that was when things got weird. I expected him to do more petting, maybe touch my boobs, but he went right for the endgame and I freaked out. It went too fast, and I wasn’t ready, and I panicked. Now, of course, I have more time to think and I wonder if he knows how humans like to be touched? I forgot completely that he was a gladiator and a slave for a long, long time. Maybe all the sex he has had is rough and quick. Maybe praxiians don’t do foreplay.
I think about him watching the human porn to try and learn how to kiss. Maybe we should watch some together so I can point out what is good and what is fake.
Maybe I should watch some praxiian porn.
The thoughts make me blush. I can’t believe I’ve gone from “platonic marriage” to wanting to watch porn with him this quickly. He’s just so…sweet. And caring. And I’m so hungry for affection and another person to rely on that I’m forgetting all the vows I made when I got my freedom. I swore to myself I’d never have sex with another alien. I swore that I’d be independent forever. But after several months of loneliness (and a lot of romantic story writing) I’m realizing that’s not me. I want to love someone and be loved. I want a family. I want happiness…and that happiness isn’t a life alone on a remote farm at the edge of the universe.
Contentment, yes. Safety, yes. But not really happiness.
“Kim?” Nassakth’s voice is sleepy, almost grumpy.
I take the food off the hot plate and turn to him. Oh my god, he really is adorable in the morning. His mane is all wild tufts sticking in every which direction, and he scratches his bare chest with a sleepy expression as he pads forward. His tail is a floofy mess as it flicks back and forth.
“Good morning,” I say brightly. “Sit down and I’ll make you a plate.”
“You…made food? But you are my guest.” He frowns a little at that.
“No, I’m your mate. And you’ve made food for the last two days, the least I can do is make breakfast. This is my home too, right?”
“You are right.” He sits down and as he does, I put a heaping plate in front of him. I can’t help but notice that he’s got morning wood—that’s not different from a human man, for sure. Nassakth glances up at me with a sleepy smile, and he looks so cute that I lean in and kiss him impulsively.
He goes still, but when I pull back, there’s a hungry longing in his eyes.
“I know I’m sending a lot of mixed signals,” I tell him. “But…I liked the kissing. And maybe we can work up to more over time, if you’re willing to be patient.”
“You know I will do anything for you.”
I’m starting to think that. I lean in and kiss him again, just a graze of lips, and he begins to purr. I caress his cheek, smiling at him. “Eat your breakfast. I want to go to my farm today.”
“We will,” he promises. “I will do my morning exercise routine and then we will go