burn but I force myself to go on. ‘I would never keep you away from Charlotte, you can ring her any time, come over, take her out.’
‘Thank you.’
And then, just as I think I’m starting to do well with this being a grown up lark, just when I’m patting myself on the back for handling things better, it happens.
There’s a lot of thinking done in the seconds it take for his face to move to mine. I know he’s just trying it on.
I know his opinion of me.
Just lately, I’ve changed my opinion of him.
He’s not married now is he, Lucy? No.
Jess is in Wales and she’s seeing someone else, isn’t she, Lucy? Yes.
But it would hurt her wouldn’t it, Lucy? Yes.
Would she even have to know?
And then I taste him.
For a tiny second I feel his lips on mine and it’s exactly as it is in my dreams.
I want to open my mouth to him, I want to give in and for a little while I do.
I feel the cool of his tongue as it slides over mine, I feel the warmth of his hand on my waist and he moves closer to me. He pulls me in, and I could blame it all on so many things, but I don’t want to keep making excuses…
I’m not losing my best friend for a shag and a chardonnay.
He thinks I’m a slut, I know that he does, but I’m better than that, and I would never do that to Jess. I pull my head back and I slap him as I tell him the same.
I turn and open the door to get out.
Up pops my neighbour, like a Muppet over the hedge, pretending to trim it. ‘Bloody cow,’ I mutter ready to charge over there.
‘You don't know that, Lucy,’ he grabs my coat and thankfully stops me. I take a deep breath and I can see the red marks my fingers have left on his cheek. ‘Don’t march over there all angry with her, when you’re really angry with me.
And I am angry.
Boyo, I’m angry, Jess.
‘Fuck you, Luke!’
Except I don’t.
I climb out of the car when I don't want to.
I just know that I have to.
If this is the price to feel better, to be a better woman, then I’ll pay it.
Not that anyone will know.
It's better this way though.
Harder but better.
Hard to wave at my neighbour instead of accusing.
Hard to do the breakfast dishes, when I want to lie down.
Hard to tidy up the bathroom and run a cloth over the sink.
But better.
I can face myself in the mirror.
CHAPTER FIFTY FIVE
‘I don't want to go back.’
Charlotte is lying on her bed face down. Everything's been sorted. Felicity has been suspended for five days, she won’t even be there, yet Charlotte can't stop crying and she doesn’t want to go back.
It wasn’t my neighbour who gossiped.
Charlotte told Felicity herself.
She knew her dad had a girlfriend.
I guess she needed someone to speak to.
A friend who would understand.
She just made a poor choice with Felicity.
‘I don’t want to go back.’
She says it again.
But she loved that school. Or was it me that loved it?
I honestly don’t know.
They teased her at the sleepover apparently and my heart aches for how badly I handled things that night and for all she has had to deal with. ‘You break up for half term in a couple weeks,’ I tell her. ‘Things will settle down over the holidays…’
‘I don't want to go back.’
My hand is on her shoulder but I can feel the resistance beneath. Maybe it's best just to leave it, in a couple of days she’ll come around. She has to go in tomorrow, or it's going to be a problem.
‘I don't fit in.’ She turns on her back and finally she looks at me.
‘Well, that’s not your fault,’ I tell her. ‘It’s hereditary.’ I get a glimpse of a smile. ‘We’ll work something out.’
I’m polite when Simone rings and apologises.
Cool, but polite.
I don’t sit all night wondering what Luke’s thinking.
I don’t start manically vacuuming either.
Or dash to the shops for a vat of ice cream.
I just go to bed with Adele and have a little cry.
CHAPTER FIFTY SIX
She's such a good girl.
She's up at seven the next morning, her face is all blotchy and red, but she's dressed and ready, just her hat and scarf to put on. We head out to the car and there's my neighbour and I give her a wave.
‘I know it's difficult now.’ We’re driving past the council