I can see that she’s ready to move on and I’m jealous of her resilience.
I am.
How she can put her heart back out there?
How she can just move on?
I used to be like that.
One relationship ended and I was straight into the next, I had a new one lined up before I left sometimes.
Then I met him and I thought I’d hit the jackpot.
God, I even manage a smile at myself, at how, after he died, I thought I’d just go out and get another one.
I know that I need to be on my own.
For the first time I want to be on my own.
Or rather, just Charlotte and me.
I get Charlotte’s uniform ready for tomorrow.
We’ve had to get new shoes and a new winter skirt because she’s grown so much over summer.
The school fees will start thudding in soon and I shouldn’t be panicked because I can pay them.
For now.
It really is a tiny mortgage that Luke got me.
I don’t think it will even see out the year.
CHAPTER FIFTY TWO
Gloria
‘You’re all done, Charlotte!’ Noel holds a mirror up to her teeth. He’s given them a lovely polish and she has a look and she gives him a shy smile and then thanks him.
She’s such a polite little thing.
Noel gives Daisy a kiss and a cuddle and then hands her back to me.
He adores Daisy.
Their marriage is all the stronger for her.
Who’d have thought!
Charlotte’s very quiet as I drive her back to her mum’s.
Maybe she feels like me.
I’m going to miss seeing her.
‘We should Skype,’ I say, because I’m getting quite good at it now. ‘And we’ll have to arrange a day for you to come and play with Daisy.’
She nods.
‘How’s Mum?’
‘She’s okay,’ Charlotte says. ‘She misses Jess, I think.’
That’s right, Jess went back to Wales. I must ring Luke, I must, but I just don’t know what to say.
I always thought he and Jess were so happy.
I guess you never know.
‘How’s school?’ I ask and Charlotte shrugs. ‘It’s half term in a couple of weeks,’ I say. ‘It will be Christmas before you know it.’
She doesn’t really say anything, and I give in trying.
It’s starting to rain, so I put on my headlights and turn the radio on and I wonder if I should mention that she seems a bit low to Lucy.
I wonder if it’s my place.
Or maybe there’s a problem with Lucy.
God.
Maybe she’s hitting the ice cream again!
She doesn’t look as if she is.
She’s back to slim and lovely when she answers the door.
‘Wow!’ She gives a bright smile to Charlotte. ‘They look wonderful!’ Not that Charlotte shows her her teeth, she just brushes past her and Lucy calls her back. ‘Say thank you to Gloria.’
‘Thank you.’ Charlotte calls and Lucy gives a sort of embarrassed shrug to me.
‘Sorry,’ Lucy says. ‘She’s a bit….’
Lucy doesn’t elaborate.
I want her to.
I want to know what’s going on.
I want Lucy to confide in me.
Of course though, she won’t.
Just as I would never confide in her.
We’re not friends you see.
Except, sometimes I’d like to know how she does it. I can smell dinner and she’s got mascara on and lipstick and she’s lost all her weight. I look at Lucy and she is amazing, just a few months ago she was at the lowest of lows and now look at her!
She just keeps on bouncing back.
I’m jealous of her eating disorder.
I know that sounds horrible, but I am. I’m just fat, I just eat, I’m just lazy and I eat. Lucy controls it and when she can’t… well it’s just all so spectacular, all flashing lights and drama. I just smother too many pieces of toast with peanut butter and I would love to talk to her about it.
‘Thank you so much for all of this,’ Lucy says. ‘It’s so good that she’s got her teeth sorted.’
Then I remember why I’m the one who’s been taking Charlotte.
I remember her snogging my son in law on this very spot and no…
…we can never be friends.
CHAPTER FIFTY THREE
Lucy
I actually like shopping.
Not for myself, I still hate that.
I am so glad that I went back to shopping online. I could think of nothing worse than picking Charlotte up from school on these dark autumn nights and making a mad dash to the supermarket.
Charlotte.
I pause mid aisle and I don’t know what to do.
I want her to see Denise, the grief counsellor, but she refuses to go.
I tried to talk to her again last night and she told me to