stuffing thoughts down, except I want a relationship that’s honest. I turn on the bed and I look to a man that might not be able to survive what I’m about to say here, but if it’s going to be better than good then I really need Paul to be able to handle my shame.
I tell him something I’ve never shared with another living soul.
I’ve had a few angry words with a dead one mind.
Oh, the stories I could tell!
And I do.
‘There was a time…’ I look over to him and my face is on fire. ‘After I had Alice, I lost a lot of weight. I really wanted my marriage to work, I’d have done anything to save it.’
He looks at me, his eyes tell me I can go on.
I can’t.
I am starting to cry.
‘Gloria?’
‘We went to a dinner party…’ My eyes are screwed closed and I am so ashamed, so ashamed and I cannot do this. ‘At the end of the night….’ I go to climb off the bed but Paul holds my arm. ‘There was just us and Greg and Shirley - Greg’s the MD. He’d told me before we went out that we needed to impress him, that I needed to behave.’ I don’t want to do this – I don’t want to re-live this, except I am. ‘They had one of those heated outdoor spa things.’ I open my eyes and I watch Paul as I tell him. ‘Shirley said it didn’t matter if I didn’t have a bikini and they were already in the water. I just went in in my bra and knickers…’
He’s still looking at me.
‘Shirley started talking about my weight loss, how great my figure was, how nice my breasts looked. Then she started feeling them. He told me take off my bra and, when I didn’t, Shirley did it for me.’
I know that Paul thinks this sort of stuff is disgusting and I do too – I’m disgusted by that time.
‘When I didn’t want to play with Shirley,’ I just tell Paul what happened. ‘He did.’
‘And Greg?’
I just lie there and I remember it, I remember how I’d have done anything to save my marriage, and so I did.
I was screwed by the MD because I didn’t have the guts to get up and leave.
I’m more ashamed of that, than what happened.
‘It was his sodding fantasy, not mine,’ I say. ‘But I did it – I went along with it…’
I tell him how excruciating work things were for me after that, how I needed five Bacardi’s and cokes just to get through them.
He holds me as I cry and, when I’ve calmed down, he’s still holding me, and then he kisses me.
He isn’t turned on by the story; he’s just turned on by me.
He knows me now.
Someone knows.
The person that matters the most in the world to me, actually knows my truth.
And the nicest thing of all is, he’s still here.
CHAPTER FORTY NINE
Lucy
I see the flash of the speed camera and I don't even blink, I don't care, I don't slow down–I have to get to her!
I feel like I did when I came home and saw the police car and ambulance, except I don’t want to slow down this time. I just want to get to her. There’s this panic inside and I want to be wrong. I want to have misheard, to have misunderstood. I want to have got it all wrong. I pull into their driveway and I'm shaking. Jess must have been looking out for me because I don't even ring the bell before the door opens. I know as soon as I see her that I didn't mishear and I didn’t misunderstand.
Luke’s left her.
‘It's okay!’ I put my arms around her. I can't really make out what's gone on, she's ranting and crying and any hopes that they’ve just had a major row are fading.
I mean that, I promise you that, because yes I’ve got a thing for Luke, you know that I do, so I cannot deny. If I've harboured any thoughts about them breaking up I'm ashamed of them, I’ve tried not to have them, but when I did (and judge me if you feel you have to but I’m just trying to be honest here) it was the other way round. It was Jess leaving him, because in my complicated, perfect fantasy, Jess didn't get hurt.
She's hurting so badly now.
She's this raw body of pain, like some multiple injury patient and I