a moment, did he suffer, did he know he was going to die?
There’s no one I can talk about it to.
Were so close in everything else. I can tell Paul anything.
Well, not anything.
There are some things I could never tell him, some things I could never tell anyone.
I let him talk about his ex though, but as soon as I bring up mine, or talk about Lucy, Paul just clams right up.
It's a problem really.
A deal breaker perhaps - because when I started dating again, I made a promise to myself that if I ever got serious again, then good or bad I’d be myself and, today, my self is sad.
I'm about to ring him, to tell him that I don't want to go out, that today is a hard day for me, but the phone goes again and I’m saved from cancelling, saved from speaking my truth. His work has rang and asked if he can go in tonight.
‘Honestly,’ I say. ‘It's fine.’
‘Are you okay, Gloria?’
I’m about to say yes, but I change my mind, I keep that promise to myself. ‘Actually no,’ I admit. ‘It’s his birthday today. He’d have been sixty.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Paul answers. ‘You should have said.’
‘How?’ I ask. ‘You don’t like it when I talk about him.’
‘No, Gloria…’
‘Yes.’ I interrupt.
‘Gloria, it’s not him, it’s…’ then, as always, he just stops. There’s just this mumble of sympathy and I hang up on him.
I know he’ll ring back.
Or come over.
I know I’m important to him.
But I’m important to me too.
Daisy is crying and, as I pick her up, I feel like crying too.
When is Eleanor going to sort herself out?
She comes round sometimes and she stays for a couple of hours but the rest is left for me.
I’m too old to play mum.
I want my life back.
Then I look at Daisy’s green eyes. They’re just like her grandfather’s and I regret my thoughts, because I cannot tell you just how much I love her. I cannot stand how her mother refuses to see just how beautiful Daisy is. I hold her close as I give her her bottle and she soothes me. She soothes the anger that is building inside, because I asked him to look after his girls and he hasn’t.
Aside from Eleanor, I can hardly get Bonny to even come to the phone – the only one remotely normal is Alice and that’s worrying enough in itself.
Like, she’s so happy with Hugh.
What happens if it ends?
What happens if they break up?
She’s fine now while they’re all happy, but they’ve never had to face problems…
Daisy’s hand finds my cheek and I press it to mine and I correct myself. They have faced problems. He’s been dead for more than three months and they’ve got through that.
‘Let’s go and see him,’ I say to Daisy. ‘Let’s go and see Granddad.’
CHAPTER THIRTY TWO
Lucy
‘Mum!’
From a distance I hear her scream.
‘Mum, please, wake up!’
I force my eyes open.
‘We’re going to be late,’ Charlotte begs.
If Oprah ever comes back to our screens, or if she's franchised, 20 years from now, Charlotte will be sitting on the couch and I think that will be the moment, she says, when it all went wrong.
Only she could explain the significance of that morning. What it must have felt like to come downstairs and there was no breakfast table set up.
It’s the one thing I’ve kept to.
She's teary as she stands by my bed and tries to wake me. I stagger downstairs and I go to put the kettle on, but first I have to fill it. Charlotte’s dashing about pulling out plates but there is no bircher muesli and there's nothing defrosted. I feed frozen bread into the toaster and try to sort her out something for lunch. In the end I give her money to get something from the tuck shop.
‘I haven’t slept like that in ages.’ I give her a smile, the coffee is working and I'm starting to think. ‘That bath was lovely.’
‘You enjoyed it?’ Charlotte checks. ‘You didn't even empty it.’
‘I loved it, but it sent me straight to sleep.’
She relaxes a little; she even manages a smile as she dashes off to get ready. I haven't put her uniform out and I scrabble for socks. We get to school just before the bell rings and I watch her dash off. I sit there for a moment, with my heart still hammering and I curse myself for last night.
I've always felt as if I was a day away from things