‘And how are you going to pay the mortgage, Lucy?’ Luke just doesn't give me an inch. ‘With the money you borrow? You don't even work. Do you really think the bank is going to give you a mortgage just like that? You've got debt everywhere and more on the way if you keep this house.’
‘Luke!’ Jess fires another warning. We’ve been going for about an hour now and it’s just getting worse. ‘Go easy.’
‘And what will that solve?’ Luke frowns at his wife but he saves the big frown for me. ‘The trouble is Lucy, you want to carry on exactly as you did before but from what I can see, the pair of you were heading for a big fall anyway. You need to downsize.’
‘I know that!’ My voice is shrill and I struggle to keep it down but I have to because Charlotte’s upstairs in her room. ‘Do you think I don't know that? You carry on like I'm some greedy bimbo.’
‘He’s not,’ Jess attempts.
‘Yes, he is…’ I am just clawing with panic. ‘I have to keep things stable. I have to….’
‘You can’t afford to.’
To Luke it really is that simple – well what would he know? Nothing. He has no idea what I’m going through, what I’m really going through.
‘I went to see the GP about Charlotte.’ I drop my voice to a whisper. ‘She’s wetting the bed,’ I tell Luke. I just want him to understand. ‘Doctor Patel says to try and keep things as even as possible for her, for at least a year.’
‘What if you can’t?’
‘I have to.’
‘Jess,’ Luke turns to his wife. ‘Why don’t you take Charlotte to the park or…’
Jess looks at me and I nod, because I don't want to say things that Charlotte might overhear.
‘I know it’s not the same as losing her father,’ I say once we’re alone. ‘But losing Noodle really upset her and then it was her Dad…’
Luke nods.
‘I can't take her away from her friends at school. I know I might have to at some point but I just can't do it to her now. The same way I can't tell her that she's losing her home.’
‘Lucy,’ he remains unmoved. ‘There’s no shame in selling your home; you won’t be the only one. We’re in the middle of a global…
Don’t even go there, I snarl inside.
I don’t care about some global financial crisis. I don’t care if governments have fucked up - they can sort it out amongst themselves but I am not losing my home.
I tell him why.
I tell this cold, immutable man my reasons.
I’m never honest with anyone, no-one knows, well, my husband knew some it and he threw it back at me at times but, for my daughter I’ll be honest.
I’ll be honest if I have to be, because I am not losing my home.
‘I’m not leaving here, Luke,’ I tell him. ‘Charlotte’s getting her year of calm. I put up with enough of his shit over the years just to keep it.’
I see him frown.
‘I lied,’ I say to him. ‘There were never going to be any more babies. You all think I trapped him by getting pregnant; well you’re all wrong. I have never been more terrified than I was when I found out that I was having a baby. I have never felt more scared than the first time I held her. I swore things would be different for her than they were for me…’
‘Lucy…’
‘No!’ I am outside of myself. For once I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I don’t care what he sees just so long as he sees my reason. ‘Everyone loves Valerie,’ I snarl. ‘Everyone thinks I’m too harsh on her, well that bitch was absent for the first sixteen years of my life. We lived in the slummiest flat and I was the fat kid that smelt.’ I am so, so angry. ‘Because of her I went through hell. “I don’t think Lucy Jones wipes her bottom.”’ I tell him my shame, I tell him how I found out I smelt. I tell him how lonely and scary it was. I tell him how many different homes I lived in the many, many times Mum was taken off to dry out. I tell him how petrifying it was to go to a new foster home and to lie there at night, trying to stay awake, so you don’t piss the bed. I tell him that no, I’m not allergic to ice