But maybe her friends don’t need me, because Simone does a quick recalculate. ‘Why doesn’t she come to us? It will give you a little break. I can come and get her when Felicity gets home from school.’
‘We’re going out,’
Her face does not move, she says not a word but I still feel the need to justify that I’m not in bed sedated. That, like it or not, when you’ve got kids, the world just has to move on. ‘Her sister (half sister, but I don’t say - I keep my animosity to me) just had a new baby and we’re going to visit.’
‘Well, drop her over afterwards.’
‘Thanks.’
‘When is the funeral?’
Here we go again!
‘We’re not sure,’ I feel my voice thicken and I really don’t know what I mean by we’re - as if my husband has a say still, as if we’re sitting together in the evenings deciding on his fate, but I’ve said it once and now I can’t stop, I cram in two more into my answer. ‘We’re just waiting for the coroner; we should know soon.’
She gives me that smile, the one I keep getting and a little pat on the arm and then, oh, what the hell, she gives me another air kiss hug and I’m left standing there and finally the shop assistant comes off the phone. ‘They’ve got it in black in our Islington branch,’ she tells me too late for Simone to hear. ‘Yes, the eight looks much better.’
I’m still not sure, the eight just fits, the ten was too big, but I guess with hold it in knickers it might be okay. I say yes, for her to order it in and she tells me it will be here the day after tomorrow.
There’s no one in the baby boutique that I know, or it would be all around the school that I’m barking mad with grief or pregnant. Maybe I am barking mad with grief because I pick up a little baby suit and it’s so tiny and beautiful that I hold it to my cheek. I remember being pregnant and buying tiny outfits like this for Charlotte and it makes me want to weep. I run my hands over the fabric, it’s soft and lemon coloured and dotted with tiny white daisies.
I remember being here in this very shop, we were back from the most amazing honeymoon, we’d moved into the house and it was such a wonderful time… Then I look down and the tiny daisies blur before my eyes as, for the first time, I admit that maybe it wasn’t so wonderful, that the honeymoon wasn’t actually so amazing.
I admit what I daren’t.
I was lonely then too.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Gloria
They’re talking about discharging Eleanor and the baby tomorrow.
Eleanor’s got support (me).
The baby is taking its feeds now (from me) and isn’t requiring top ups and has reached her birth weight.
They hope that in a home environment (mine), Eleanor might respond better to the baby. She’ll be kept a close eye on by the health visitor and GP (which again really means me) and if things don’t pick up then they’ll look at getting her into a mother and baby unit but they’re a bit hard to get into.
I don’t think they’re ready to go home.
I know I’m not ready to go home.
It’s bedlam there at the moment. There’s Bonny, Alice and Hugh and I’ve got Eleanor’s other two kids coming and going and now Eleanor wants to come home with me.
Which means, to top it all off, I have to make room for a newborn baby.
As much as I love having the girls home…
I stop myself there.
The truth is - it’s driving me mad having them home.
Does that make me a terrible mum?
Perhaps.
But I swear it’s easier here in the hospital.
It’s so much easier to hide.
Eleanor is in a single room and she just sleeps most of the time and I take care of the baby and watch some daytime TV. To tell you the truth, I'm enjoying the peace. I’m enjoying not having to deal with it all; I know what Bonny and Alice can be like. Yes, it's their dad, but how can they be so sure it's what he would want?
The church.
The hymns.
The readings.
I know I haven't seen him for an awful long time but he never really cared about that sort of thing.
It was me who worried about all that sort of stuff.