muesli. I see her cast an urgent look to Luke but they don’t understand, I have to do this now, or everything will go to pot.
It will, I know it will. I’ve always felt I’m just one day away from everything falling apart.
And it can’t.
Simply, it can’t.
CHAPTER NINE
Jess has sorted my bedroom.
All the wrappers the paramedics left and my display purposes only towel have been tidied away but I can see him lying there dead on the floor as I walk in.
I step over him.
I can’t stand to get into the bed, so I lie on top of it.
I’d have slept in another room, except Jess and Luke are staying over and it would look strange if I went to a spare room, wouldn’t it?
Wouldn’t I want our bed?
Wouldn’t his scent give me comfort?
I’m still wearing the smock.
I don’t have the energy to change.
Finally I’ve taken some headache tablets and they are starting to kick in.
I think I’m numb really.
I’m just so tired and so relieved to be able to close my eyes.
And just as I do, just when finally I escape …
I hear Charlotte cry.
CHAPTER TEN
Gloria
I’ve stood him up.
Oh God – I’m supposed to be meeting Paul.
I only remember about nine that night. Things are starting to move more rapidly with Eleanor now. It’s my last chance to pop out for a cigarette and to make a couple of phone calls, to gather my thoughts really, before the baby is born.
Noel won’t come.
It might not be his – she’s finally told me.
She only told Noel a couple of weeks ago it would seem.
I stand outside the ambulance bay – there’s a message from Lex, Bonny’s husband, to say that they’re sorting out the flights for Bonny and Alice and her boyfriend, Hugh. Lex is going to stay behind and look after the boys. I have to admit to a sliver of relief, because Bonny’s got four sons and they’re a bit wild. Also, I had no idea how I was going to fit everyone in.
I still don’t.
I’m trying to work out where everyone is going to sleep when I suddenly remember Paul.
God, the poor guy, we were supposed to meet at eight. I look at my watch and it’s ten past nine and I think of him sitting there all that time. He hasn’t texted or rung and I don’t blame him. I knew it took a lot to ask me out. He’s about my age, well a few years younger and he’s a quiet guy, a bit shy really. He’s divorced, like me, except his is more recent and I’m the first person he’s asked out since the break up.
Sorry
I start a text, but what the hell do I write? That my ex-husband dropped dead at lunchtime and my eldest daughter’s gone into labour, and her husband’s not here because they’ve broken up, because she’s not sure if the baby is his….
I can't really put that can I?
Except, I'm too tired to dilute the facts for anyone, to weary with it all to make it sound more palatable, so I put exactly that.
Welcome to my life, I think, as I hit send.
I light up another cigarette, I really ought to head back, but then I see Rose heading out from the end of her shift and she comes over to me.
‘How's Eleanor?’
‘Getting there. I think this will be my last break before the baby is born.’ It shouldn't be like this, I think. My grandchild is about to be born, it’s usually such a happy time, and it shouldn’t be so mixed in with grief. ‘Thanks for all your help today, Rose. It must've been awkward for you.’ I see her frown. ‘I mean, having the wife and the ex-wife in the same room.’
‘I just felt sorry for you,’ Rose says. ‘I know how hard it must have been. I dread the day Vince goes.’ She rolls her eyes and I think she’s going to say goodnight but she doesn’t head off, she just stands there. I don't know if it's my place to ask, but I do want to know.
‘Was it quick?’ I ask, because no matter how I feel about him, I don't want him to have suffered, or maybe I do, I don't know.
‘I think so,’ Rose says. ‘He arrested at home and they got him back but then he arrested again when he got here. We worked on him for ages but there was nothing…’ She shakes her head and I know what she