lot. I’m in half a mind to tell them the same, but I don't say anything of course - I just step outside and stand in the corridor and Luke follows me out and tells me a little of what’s been going on.
‘It looks like it was a heart attack, but it's been handed over to the coroner,’ he explains. ‘Lucy’s beside herself. She wants to see him with all the tubes and things out.’
‘They won't take them out if it's a coroner’s case…’ I look at Luke, his face is grey, and I can see he’s struggling, but probably only I can see that.
I remember when his mum was dying.
She was lovely.
She just wanted to hold on till he got to university. I used to help, well, I’m a nurse, and so I would pop around and do what I could. But, in the end, she had to go into a hospice and that’s when Luke came and stayed with us for a while.
He was always a dark horse.
A closed book.
But just a teeny bit open to me.
‘How are you doing, Luke?’ I ask.
‘I’m fine.’
Same answer as twenty years ago.
But, like then, I can tell he’s been crying.
‘I saw him on Saturday…’ I look at his lips as he speaks and they are white. He’s just black and white - his shirt, his lips and his skin are all white, but his suit, his eyes and his hair are black. The only bit of colour is the red of his eyeballs. ‘He was fine,’ Luke says. ‘We were talking about going to Portugal.’ He shakes his head just a little. ‘We were talking about going on holiday.’
That’s as much as you’ll get from Luke. A few seconds later he’s back to asking about me.
‘I’m just about to ring the girls.’ I look at my watch and why the hell did they have to move to Australia? ‘Should I wait for morning?’
I don’t know how to tell them.
I don’t know what to say.
I think I’m going to start crying and that would be so wrong for me to do here.
It really isn’t my place.
‘I’ll do it,’ Luke says. ‘Give me the number and I’ll call Lex now – they need to know.’
‘I think I’ve got it.’ I take out my new phone, I have no idea how to properly use it and I have no idea what it does. The girls all got me it for Christmas I tell him. ‘So I can keep up with the grandkids on Facebook and twerp them.’
‘Tweet,’ Luke says and then he finds Lex’s number. ‘I’ll call him now.’
‘Maybe wait.’ I can’t stand to think of their reaction.
‘It won’t change things,’ Luke says.
‘But…’ I stop talking as I see Lucy walking towards us - she's holding an interim certificate. How come she's wearing that floaty smock dress and sandals, how come she hasn’t got a bra on? I feel embarrassed as realisation starts to dawn, as I remember he was at home when he collapsed. I can’t stop looking at her. I’m sort of fascinated really. I watch her petite features harden, her eyes narrow and her lips tighten and I don't know what I've done, if she expects me to have gone by now–it takes a moment to register that her eyes are looking over my shoulder, that her contempt isn’t aimed at me. I turn to see who it is, because Lucy's eyes are shooting daggers. I know that look well, I was the recipient once, the night of the staff do on the Thames springs to mind, but today the daggers are not aimed at me.
‘Nanny!’ I hear Charlotte’s yelp of relief from the interview room but I don’t think her Nanny does.
‘Lucy!’ A woman dashes past me, she’s a tiny little thing with straggly brown hair and I watch Lucy shrugging her off as she tries to wrap her in her skinny arms. ‘I came as soon as I heard.’
But Lucy just stands there, impervious to her mother's comfort - she's as hard as nails that one. Charlotte dashes over and is cuddled by her nanny but Lucy soon ends it, she takes Charlotte's hand and starts walking. ‘We’re just going…’
‘All right darling, let’s get you both home - you need to get his things before you go…’ Her mum’s got a right Essex accent, compared to snooty Lucy. She’s just trying to be a mum, trying to sort things out for her daughter, trying to spare her pain. ‘You